Voice - Throwback December 2017

 My heart belongs to words and I send questions into the universe hoping someone will pick up on my notions.

That person will understand my exact need and respond with love.

Simple words or discernment that mollifies the emotional comfort I do desperately desire.

To be often spoken over; it isn’t conducive to confident self-importance. It happens more than I care to admit.

The thing is - I know I’m important, worthy of this world, meant to be here for larger purposes.

So, though it hurts me when you overlook me, you may not understand just what you are overlooking.

We are all the same...human.

Our voices, our feelings, our emotions, and choices - they are worthy of open ears and hearts.

I just wish there were so many more of these.

Imagine the effect you could have on one person.

Imagine how the entire world would change.

Please listen.

And let others know they are heard.

It hurts too much to be overlooked and over-spoken.

Nonetheless, I wish everyone well. Always.

I will find my voice whether you want to hear it or not.

A Bloom

A plant starts out as a whole. If someone cares for it and tends to its needs, it will grow.

And I did, for a while.

But when someone starts to overlook it - forget to water it, leave it in a small pot, forget to care for it, the plant will start to whither. and sag.

And I did.

For so very long.

But someone came along that noticed.

And begun to care, to tend, to feed that whithered little plant.

It noticed the sunlight again. And it grew.

It understood its importance. And it grew.

It was given nutrients, attention, and love.

And it flowered.

As did I.

The funny thing?

That, someone, was me.

My flower has begun to bloom again. 

I Thought, But I Was Wrong

This past year has been especially reflective. 

So much, yet so little. 

So profound, yet so very simple. 

What a fucking hardship, yet incredible pause in the monotony of life's non-stop go-go-go. 

We've all lost something or someone in all of this. That is the saddest part, the hardest part. 

The fear, the heartbreak, the loss, the unknown. 

I've wanted to put my thoughts into words for so long. I will try, but know that a thousand sentences couldn't adequately explain what my soul feels on any single day. 

 

I've learned that people I thought I knew, I really didn't. And I judged. 

I've learned that decisions others made that I didn't agree with were incorrect. And I judged. 

I've learned that the way some think if far from the way I think. And I judged. 

I've learned that I have and may continue to lose friendships because of differences. Sadly. 

I've learned that I can't make everyone happy nor can I make everyone agree. And I judged...myself. 

I've learned that I can't make something work that is too far broken. And I resented that. 

I've learned that our children are considerably stronger, more independent, intelligent, and influential that we ever were. And I am so proud. 

I've learned to forgive myself more, even when that voice in my head keeps telling me what a shitty human I am. I'm tuning it out. 

I've learned that I can be happy, that I'm not stuck, that ruts are made to get out of, stronger than when you went in. I'm shoveling y'all. 

I've learned that I can depend on me more than anyone else and that is a very good thing. I am a enough. 

I've learned that I can do anything I choose, I just need to believe it and do it. I let another voice tell me I couldn't for too long. 

I've learned that people will choose belief over science, and there is nothing that will change that. But I tried. 

I've learned that people will choose themselves over the good of others. I can't help them. 

I've learned that people have closed minds and I can't open them. Who am I anyway?

I've learned that the world is too far broken for one person to fix, but you can't lose hope. Yet I did. 

I've learned that everything is so much bigger than we understand. And I stopped trying to figure it out. 

I've learned that turning inward, focusing on your own heart, is truly living. I haven't for so long. 

I've learned that hate is a viral poison far more harmful than any natural enemy. I refuse it. 

I've learned that acceptance and love - both for others and ourselves - are the very essence of what it means to live. I am living.

I've learned that some people believe violence and retaliation is an acceptable form of revolution. It isn't. 

I've learned that this country is so far divided and ill-lead that we may never come back together. I fear for our future. 

I've learned that judging others for their beliefs, decisions, and thoughts is unacceptable. We may not agree. But you do you, let me do me. And we should all keep the peace. 

I learned (again) that I have a voice, it is important, as am I. I was made to think differently for a very long time. But I can hear it again. 

Man, I could go on. 

It all boils down to judgment doesn't it? 

I am so guilty and will continue to be. But with every instance, every experience, every interaction, I learn to judge less and less. I make sure I try to find a lesson in every single one. 

And with every lesson, comes less judgment. 

Better understanding. 

Like I said, I thought. 

But I was wrong. 

 

Tiny Band-Aids

 They say that when you have a child, 

your heart will forever walk outside of your body. 

And it does. 

My heart has been broken so many times

that it has become numb to certain things and people.

But never to my child. 

My heart has lost its wonder and belief. 

But hers hasn't.

It has tiny little band-aids from little heartbreaks

yet it still emits wonder and enormous love. 

Until yesterday.

 Now among those tiny band-aids, there is a large one. 

One that shouldn't be there 

because a grown-up made a decision 

that broke a very big piece. 

Seeing that big heartbreak wounded my heart 

in a way that I'd never known. 

See, broken heart pieces are part of life.

But hers has just begun.

Life scatters broken heart pieces freely, 

yet I know she will heal.

As for me, having to watch it 

through my own heart as well as hers

 is something a thousand tiny band-aids 

will never be able to heal. 

Underwater

 

The world is wonder and light,

Though with its share of dark.

We see what we want to see.

I'm trying, no struggling, to focus

On all that is lovely.

That dark though, it's a heavy weight.

I carry it like a sinker on a line.

How I pray that I notice the sun.

And all of the beauty it enlightens.

Every day.

And even in the night,

I pray the moon helps me remember

That there is constant light,

that I am not drowning and

I can always surface

and breathe in life

whenever I need it...

Scratches

 

The child says “Mom, I feel like my heart is held together with bandaids. My feelings get hurt and there are scratches on my heart that still don’t have bandaids”.

The mom hugs the child tightly while the scratches on her own heart grow deeper.

-RA

Exhausted

I've been tired for so many years. The gouge of daily life seems to only deepen.
My body, a physical manifestation of pain.
My mind, misunderstood or too complicated for the masses.
It is both poison and wine.

The poison keeps dissipating any semblance of happiness, while the wine both encourages and conceals.
A roundabout that hasn't any exits.
A darkness that hasn't any light.
It just keeps weighting down like a sinker.

The tired fog envelopes like a tarnished cloud.
No amount of polishing could bring about the shine.
It sits there heavy, like solid silver.
Never worth its weight in gold.

You scream for help, plead for someone to feel what you feel.
In silence.
Because your real voice is never heard.
Everyone always hears what they want.

The knot in your chest ebbs and flows like the tide.
It is always there, but sometimes you can forget it and smile.
I wish it were opposite.
Where my smile is always there, but sometimes I feel the knot.

Being alone, but not wanting to be near.
Wanting to be wanted, yet unable to give anymore.
It is all so cumbersome. A strain on my very soul.
Outside the depiction is physical. Inside I'm...well,

Exhausted.

Wolves

The Universe told me.
That I was not like the others.
I knew that from a very young age.

So I followed that voice.
It lead me straight.
With lots of wrong turns.

So here I am.
With myself.
My soul in the mirror.

I see.
I know.
It just takes movement.

I try.
I fail.
And I fail again.

It wakes me up at night.
And I vow to change.
But I make the same decision.

Except that my kids see too.
They accelerate the process.
They force the vision of what should be.

And it is right.
They are smarter.
They know the way so much better than I.

So I listen.
I correct when necessary.
I am, in fact, their mother.

It is hard.
I let them down.
I don't mean to.

But I know things.
I know that no matter what,
My girls will know their way through me.

They will know
Because I knew before them.
I knew my kids were changers.

My girls will lead.
At least I hope they see that enough in themselves to do so.
Because they can.

That will broaden and elevate their own voices and thoughts.
I hope I encourage them to speak.
To ensure their voices aren't lost or neglected.

They will be so much better than me.
I was silent for so long.
But I'm not now.

They need to know who I am.
What I stand for.
And why I scream.

It. Is. ALL. For. Them.

That's what the universe was telling me.
I was too young to understand
Until I had children.

Until I had daughters...

Our rights should always be protected.
Our bodies should always be ours.
Our voices should always be heard.

And if you listen closely, they have always spoken clearly.
You just have to be "man" enough to not only hear them,
But respect them.

After all, we run with wolves.

Today

Today

I'm sad but I can't quite say why

The world is sad and I can give you a thousand reason for its tears. 

Water still flows smoothly over obstacles and flowers bloom through concrete.

Hearts still fall in love after being broken a hundred times.

I'm aware of things I choose to ignore.

There is a constant internal argument in my head that is neverending. 

It deflates me.

I need focus but there is a circus in my mind. 

Acts in every ring.

I don't want to look. 

I want to swim underwater, be weightless and quiet. 

But the weight on my shoulders is so heavy. 

I don't want to drown. 

The noise in my mind both reminds me that I am alive and keeps me from living.

The sun warms my face and the wind blows through my fingers. 

Why can't I feel them? 

Why can't I feel anything?

And that's just today...

Nothing - Something that is Nonexistent

A spark, random, embering
Ignited an entire night sky
For years there was only light
It was spectacular, might, unyielding.
And it was light, ethereal, and melodious.

It was something.

If you reached to touch it
Both the breeze and flame would coil around your fingers
And settle into your mind
It affected you
Something came to rest inside, quietly and completely

Ah, but time, it has a way of extinguishing a flame
It’s slowness calms the breeze
It turns softness into concrete
And the ember no longer burns
Only ashes remain

As they disappear into the surrounding,
Something becomes nonexistent.

Nothing.

My Heart ❤️

“I will read long books and the journals of dead writers. I will feel closer to them than I ever felt to people I used to know before I withdrew from the world. It will be sweet and cool this friendship of mine with dead poets, for I won’t have to touch them or answer their questions. They will talk to me and not expect me to answer. And I’ll get sleepy listening to their voices explain the mysteries to me. I’ll fall asleep with the book still in my fingers, and it will rain.”

Talk to Me Like the Rain and Let Me Listen, Tennessee Williams

Dying

There is a voice always speaking

It says I'm never enough. 

That I will never be nor should I try. 

That I'm not worth being. 

But I am and I keep trying.

The battle is daily and I try to ignore the screams.

Yet they work their way in and deplete the roots I try so desperately to tend and grow within my psyche. 

I'm just one of those without a "green" thumb. 

The only things that seem to cultivate are poison weeds.

Some days it's an ocean with waves overtaking my breath,

Then it ebbs slowly.

Oh, that time is immeasurable, splendid. Even if for only a moment.

But those waves always return; sucking the breath right out of me, assuring me I will drown. 

Yet I don't.

Then there are those days where the breeze ruffles the flowers and grass as I lie in the sunshine within the scent of just being.

The leaves whisper stories of history past and all that is to be. 

I am content. I listen.

Then the clouds gather, the skies turn grey, and the rain begins. Oh so lovely rain. You cleanse me of the world we live in, even just for a moment.

It is worth every single drop on my skin and on our Earth.

Raindrops are themselves a rebirth of sorts.

I beg you to aid in cultivating my true roots. Water them with your strength and sustain them with your boundlessness.

There is only so much I can do.

And I'm weary, so very weary. 

Sprinkle me with your miracle.and allow me to thrive.

I Walk

See, here’s the thing. I just want you to hear me.
To understand that I’m a good person.
I have a voice worth hearing.
A woman who sees many things.
More importantly, a human who can understand well beyond common context.

I don't say that boastfully.
It is simply true.
I always have, even as a young child.
My heart developed words that my mind heard.
I have always listened.

I respect your opinion, your thoughts, your ways.
So why can’t you just accept me?
Why do I even have to ask?
Why do I even care?
Why should I?

I’m so tired of your (of everyone's)
inability to allow me to be me.
It's too much I suppose.
Don't be sad for me or assume I need sympathy.
Don't feel like you have to say something.

I’m not always happy; in fact, I’m usually struggling with something every single moment.
I have anxiety and depression.
It is diagnosed.
It can rear its ugly head and bring me tomy knees.
It’s really fucking cumbersome and I get tired.

I have so many moments I don’t share because none of you understand.
How can you explain something to others that they can’t see?
Cant even feel?
But I do, profoundly.
But I'm not the sad girl.

I want to shout. So loudly.
But no one wants to hear that do they?
I want state fervently every word that comes to mind.
Obviously, that shit doesn’t work.
I accept that.

I really just want to leave.
To be alone.
To take care of me because no one else can.
And to let nature surround me with loving warmth
even on the coldest days.

I know I make you uncomfortable.
I know you don’t know what to say.
I get it.
I understand, some things are just too much.
Maybe I am too much.

That’s why I feel alone.
You wouldn’t hold my hand anyway; you’re too timid.
So I walk alone.
As I guess I should.
I suppose that is what is meant for me.


I think I'm okay with that.
So...I Walk.
I walk.

Sad Girl

No one likes the sad girl. She lingers in the corners watching, listening, building castles in the air; it makes you uneasy so you do your best to ignore her. 

No one likes to hear her speak, for she speaks most often of the dark places in her mind. Those dark places are like mirrors and you are afraid of what you might see. Her eyes are like oceans - what lies beneath also lies within. She can see things hidden, she can hear the whispers of the waves, and she can feel what is suppressed. She is the storm.
No one likes to watch her move because her paths are uncharted, unfamiliar, and seemingly indefinite. Her fingers touch the leaves as she walks by, her hand catches the wind through the window. She stops to let the sun shine all of its warmth into her soul. She is the reason for your apprehension. She makes you still.
No one likes the sad girl, her tears and her words contain unfathomable weight. Too much for this world. Along her lines are stories, written by every second she has lived and ever will live. Every wrinkle a tale, every pore a memory, every hair a moment that has touched her. She is indescribable, yet she is tangible. She is not you.
No one wants to get too close. She is never really open though her heart is like a river - ever moving, unrestrained. To see inside, under the current, the clearness of her intentions.The white noise of her raging. To be near her is to burn. She is fire.
No one sings her song. The soft ancient melody that the world has hummed forever, it is hers. A song that changes and forever stays the same. The dark sky that is her, full of stars, most unseen.The moon her only light. She changes the tides and you still can't see.

No one likes the sad girl.
How would they know she is luminescent...

Like A Cuddle

As a kitty curls into your chest
With trust unconditional
And a child holds onto you with
Innocence and true love

I will let go in the same way.
With love and no conditions.
A hug and a kiss
With understanding and sweetness.

Because it means the most to everyone that way.

It's Okay

You can tell me things are wrong but
It's okay
Things may happen that cause dismay but
It's okay
I can pretend to be okay
But I'm not.
You can say you are
But you aren't.
I'm glad we can be honest and admit
We aren't okay
Just so we can be.
Secrets and withheld thoughts only cause us harm
Honesty and love holds us together.
And that's what we are.
Together.
You have said it.
I have said it.
The universe has made it clear.
We will be okay.
No matter how hard or how many times we have to fight.
We. Are. Okay.
And that's why I love you.

What Applies Now

It runs through my mind
Do you want to hear?
I have so many thoughts.
Do I really want to share?

Our lives cross paths.
For reasons I am sure.
We find each other to heal each other.
Why wouldn't we?

So many times we need.,
So many times we don't ask.
Yet we are here and available.
We feel needed when we can help.

That is what friends do.
That is what your village does.
We help one another.
That's what applies now.

As a reminder to all of us-
And please, please share...
We need each other, we want to help.
Let us apply NOW.

The Why

We talked and you said you heard.
I told you what I didn't like.
We had a great night.
But you chose anyway.

You chose a vice over us.
Was it worth it?
Was your high worth the disappountment?
Because it wasnt to us.

I no longer worry about other opinions.
I tried to protect you but no longer.
Your choices are your own.
As are ours.

Decide whats most important.
We may or may not be here in the end.

The Edge

In life we walk.
We choose our own paths.
There are times the path is clear,
And times we must clear our own.

Decisions.
They are so difficult to make.
Because what if you're wrong?
What if you are lead to a cliff?

Then what?

I have making my way down those paths.
All leading to a cliff.
One that there would be no coming back from.
It terrified me.

I stood there so many times.
Looking over, wondering.
Do I go back and find another way?
Or do I jump?

I have processed and pondered.
Imagined and wondered.
Dreamt about and longed for
That edge. That jump.

One day something made me stop
I turned to look back
It was a single gesture, a single moment
With intense relief, I walked away from the edge.

Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I can't.
Though I want to.
I long to.
But I won't.
All because I am not sure.

What do I do?
Please tell me.
Please help me.

Mom, I wish I could ask you.
Would you know what to tell me?
You would because you love me.
That is all I need right now.

Where do I go when nothing feels right?
How do I decide what is best?
Tell me Mom because I'm hurting right now.
Help me make these jumbled thoughts into good decisions.

Hug me Mom because I need it now.
More than anything I need your hug.
Tell me it will be okay and let me
Lay my head on your shoulder.

I can smell you and see your smile.

Dear Mom,
I need you.
Right now.
I wish you were here.

I really need you.
I really miss you.

My heart hurts mom.
It really hurts.