Dear Mom

Dear Mom,

I can't.
Though I want to.
I long to.
But I won't.
All because I am not sure.

What do I do?
Please tell me.
Please help me.

Mom, I wish I could ask you.
Would you know what to tell me?
You would because you love me.
That is all I need right now.

Where do I go when nothing feels right?
How do I decide what is best?
Tell me Mom because I'm hurting right now.
Help me make these jumbled thoughts into good decisions.

Hug me Mom because I need it now.
More than anything I need your hug.
Tell me it will be okay and let me
Lay my head on your shoulder.

I can smell you and see your smile.

Dear Mom,
I need you.
Right now.
I wish you were here.

I really need you.
I really miss you.

My heart hurts mom.
It really hurts.

Driving With My Mom

I dreamed last night that I was riding in the car with my mom 

as the adult I am today. 

She reached over and put her arm on mine

 and I couldn't help but notice how unusual it felt 

but in my dream I couldn't understand why. 

As we drove, we didn't speak but it was a comfortable silence. 

One where you hear the wind along the car, 

you can smell the grass because the windows are down, 

you feel the sun on your arm and face. 

During the ride I closed my eyes and could see four small journals. 

They were mine.

Four different pastel colors with writing all over them. 

My stories, my life. 

Without words she wanted me to know that she had read them. 

That she had been a part of them. 

That she was there. 

It was a conscious dream. 

One where I knew I was dreaming 

Yet I knew it was real. 

And it was. 

And she is. 

And that makes me so very happy.