My heart belongs to words and I send questions into the universe hoping someone will pick up on my notions.
Wednesday, September 22, 2021
Friday, August 20, 2021
My flower has begun to bloom again.
Saturday, June 12, 2021
This past year has been especially reflective.
So much, yet so little.
So profound, yet so very simple.
What a fucking hardship, yet incredible pause in the monotony of life's non-stop go-go-go.
We've all lost something or someone in all of this. That is the saddest part, the hardest part.
The fear, the heartbreak, the loss, the unknown.
I've wanted to put my thoughts into words for so long. I will try, but know that a thousand sentences couldn't adequately explain what my soul feels on any single day.
I've learned that people I thought I knew, I really didn't. And I judged.
I've learned that decisions others made that I didn't agree with were incorrect. And I judged.
I've learned that the way some think if far from the way I think. And I judged.
I've learned that I have and may continue to lose friendships because of differences. Sadly.
I've learned that I can't make everyone happy nor can I make everyone agree. And I judged...myself.
I've learned that I can't make something work that is too far broken. And I resented that.
I've learned that our children are considerably stronger, more independent, intelligent, and influential that we ever were. And I am so proud.
I've learned to forgive myself more, even when that voice in my head keeps telling me what a shitty human I am. I'm tuning it out.
I've learned that I can be happy, that I'm not stuck, that ruts are made to get out of, stronger than when you went in. I'm shoveling y'all.
I've learned that I can depend on me more than anyone else and that is a very good thing. I am a enough.
I've learned that I can do anything I choose, I just need to believe it and do it. I let another voice tell me I couldn't for too long.
I've learned that people will choose belief over science, and there is nothing that will change that. But I tried.
I've learned that people will choose themselves over the good of others. I can't help them.
I've learned that people have closed minds and I can't open them. Who am I anyway?
I've learned that the world is too far broken for one person to fix, but you can't lose hope. Yet I did.
I've learned that everything is so much bigger than we understand. And I stopped trying to figure it out.
I've learned that turning inward, focusing on your own heart, is truly living. I haven't for so long.
I've learned that hate is a viral poison far more harmful than any natural enemy. I refuse it.
I've learned that acceptance and love - both for others and ourselves - are the very essence of what it means to live. I am living.
I've learned that some people believe violence and retaliation is an acceptable form of revolution. It isn't.
I've learned that this country is so far divided and ill-lead that we may never come back together. I fear for our future.
I've learned that judging others for their beliefs, decisions, and thoughts is unacceptable. We may not agree. But you do you, let me do me. And we should all keep the peace.
I learned (again) that I have a voice, it is important, as am I. I was made to think differently for a very long time. But I can hear it again.
Man, I could go on.
It all boils down to judgment doesn't it?
I am so guilty and will continue to be. But with every instance, every experience, every interaction, I learn to judge less and less. I make sure I try to find a lesson in every single one.
And with every lesson, comes less judgment.
Like I said, I thought.
But I was wrong.
Sunday, May 23, 2021
They say that when you have a child,
your heart will forever walk outside of your body.
And it does.
My heart has been broken so many times
that it has become numb to certain things and people.
But never to my child.
My heart has lost its wonder and belief.
But hers hasn't.
It has tiny little band-aids from little heartbreaks
yet it still emits wonder and enormous love.
Now among those tiny band-aids, there is a large one.
One that shouldn't be there
because a grown-up made a decision
that broke a very big piece.
Seeing that big heartbreak wounded my heart
in a way that I'd never known.
See, broken heart pieces are part of life.
But hers has just begun.
Life scatters broken heart pieces freely,
yet I know she will heal.
As for me, having to watch it
through my own heart as well as hers
is something a thousand tiny band-aids
will never be able to heal.
Friday, February 5, 2021
Tuesday, September 15, 2020
Monday, July 6, 2020
My body, a physical manifestation of pain.
My mind, misunderstood or too complicated for the masses.
It is both poison and wine.
The poison keeps dissipating any semblance of happiness, while the wine both encourages and conceals.
A roundabout that hasn't any exits.
A darkness that hasn't any light.
It just keeps weighting down like a sinker.
The tired fog envelopes like a tarnished cloud.
No amount of polishing could bring about the shine.
It sits there heavy, like solid silver.
Never worth its weight in gold.
You scream for help, plead for someone to feel what you feel.
Because your real voice is never heard.
Everyone always hears what they want.
The knot in your chest ebbs and flows like the tide.
It is always there, but sometimes you can forget it and smile.
I wish it were opposite.
Where my smile is always there, but sometimes I feel the knot.
Being alone, but not wanting to be near.
Wanting to be wanted, yet unable to give anymore.
It is all so cumbersome. A strain on my very soul.
Outside the depiction is physical. Inside I'm...well,
- I keep all of Sophie's drawings.
- The cleaning bug doesn't usually bite me but when it does it is usually all out. I go overboard.
- I love things that touch my heart.
- I love a good heart wrenching book or movie.
- I believe in fairy tales.
- I wish I could let go of all of my insecurities and live completely free.
- I feel like I get on people's nerves.
- I want to be noticed but I don't like attention.
- I have trouble sleeping - too many thoughts and fears.
- Music makes my soul feel free.
- I can be terribly stubborn.
- I can be judgemental
- Mountains make me happy.
- I secretly wish I could afford to focus my energy on some type of art and my family, not a "job".
- I often feel out of place or irrelevant.
- I enjoy detail specific activities.
- Sophie can make me the happiest person in the world and break my heart so completely - all in the same instant.
- Chris can do the same thing.
- I can read a day away.
- Friendships are hard for me.
- Philosophy intrigues me.
- I love Willie Wonka.
- I fear early death.
- I wish my mother could be here.