Monday, December 11, 2017

I Walk

See, here’s the thing. I just want you to hear me.
To understand that I’m a good person.
I have a voice worth hearing.
A woman who sees many things.
More importantly, a human who can understand well beyond common context.

I don't say that boastfully.
It is simply true.
I always have, even as a young child.
My heart developed words that my mind heard.
I have always listened.

I respect your opinion, your thoughts, your ways.
So why can’t you just accept me?
Why do I even have to ask?
Why do I even care?
Why should I?

I’m so tired of your (of everyone's)
inability to allow me to be me.
It's too much I suppose.
Don't be sad for me or assume I need sympathy.
Don't feel like you have to say something.

I’m not always happy; in fact, I’m usually struggling with something every single moment.
I have anxiety and depression.
It is diagnosed.
It can rear its ugly head and bring me tomy knees.
It’s really fucking cumbersome and I get tired.

I have so many moments I don’t share because none of you understand.
How can you explain something to others that they can’t see?
Cant even feel?
But I do, profoundly.
But I'm not the sad girl.

I want to shout. So loudly.
But no one wants to hear that do they?
I want state fervently every word that comes to mind.
Obviously, that shit doesn’t work.
I accept that.

I really just want to leave.
To be alone.
To take care of me because no one else can.
And to let nature surround me with loving warmth
even on the coldest days.

I know I make you uncomfortable.
I know you don’t know what to say.
I get it.
I understand, some things are just too much.
Maybe I am too much.

That’s why I feel alone.
You wouldn’t hold my hand anyway; you’re too timid.
So I walk alone.
As I guess I should.
I suppose that is what is meant for me.


I think I'm okay with that.
So...I Walk.
I walk.

Somewhere Inside

  • I keep all of Sophie's drawings.
  • The cleaning bug doesn't usually bite me but when it does it is usually all out. I go overboard.
  • I love things that touch my heart.
  • I love a good heart wrenching book or movie.
  • I believe in fairy tales.
  • I wish I could let go of all of my insecurities and live completely free.
  • I feel like I get on people's nerves.
  • I want to be noticed but I don't like attention.
  • I have trouble sleeping - too many thoughts and fears.
  • Music makes my soul feel free.
  • I can be terribly stubborn.
  • I can be judgemental
  • Mountains make me happy.
  • I secretly wish I could afford to focus my energy on some type of art and my family, not a "job".
  • I often feel out of place or irrelevant.
  • I enjoy detail specific activities.
  • Sophie can make me the happiest person in the world and break my heart so completely - all in the same instant.
  • Chris can do the same thing.
  • I can read a day away.
  • Friendships are hard for me.
  • Philosophy intrigues me.
  • I love Willie Wonka.
  • I fear early death.
  • I wish my mother could be here.