Underwater

 

The world is wonder and light,

Though with its share of dark.

We see what we want to see.

I'm trying, no struggling, to focus

On all that is lovely.

That dark though, it's a heavy weight.

I carry it like a sinker on a line.

How I pray that I notice the sun.

And all of the beauty it enlightens.

Every day.

And even in the night,

I pray the moon helps me remember

That there is constant light,

that I am not drowning and

I can always surface

and breathe in life

whenever I need it...

Scratches

 

The child says “Mom, I feel like my heart is held together with bandaids. My feelings get hurt and there are scratches on my heart that still don’t have bandaids”.

The mom hugs the child tightly while the scratches on her own heart grow deeper.

-RA

Exhausted

I've been tired for so many years. The gouge of daily life seems to only deepen.
My body, a physical manifestation of pain.
My mind, misunderstood or too complicated for the masses.
It is both poison and wine.

The poison keeps dissipating any semblance of happiness, while the wine both encourages and conceals.
A roundabout that hasn't any exits.
A darkness that hasn't any light.
It just keeps weighting down like a sinker.

The tired fog envelopes like a tarnished cloud.
No amount of polishing could bring about the shine.
It sits there heavy, like solid silver.
Never worth its weight in gold.

You scream for help, plead for someone to feel what you feel.
In silence.
Because your real voice is never heard.
Everyone always hears what they want.

The knot in your chest ebbs and flows like the tide.
It is always there, but sometimes you can forget it and smile.
I wish it were opposite.
Where my smile is always there, but sometimes I feel the knot.

Being alone, but not wanting to be near.
Wanting to be wanted, yet unable to give anymore.
It is all so cumbersome. A strain on my very soul.
Outside the depiction is physical. Inside I'm...well,

Exhausted.

Wolves

The Universe told me.
That I was not like the others.
I knew that from a very young age.

So I followed that voice.
It lead me straight.
With lots of wrong turns.

So here I am.
With myself.
My soul in the mirror.

I see.
I know.
It just takes movement.

I try.
I fail.
And I fail again.

It wakes me up at night.
And I vow to change.
But I make the same decision.

Except that my kids see too.
They accelerate the process.
They force the vision of what should be.

And it is right.
They are smarter.
They know the way so much better than I.

So I listen.
I correct when necessary.
I am, in fact, their mother.

It is hard.
I let them down.
I don't mean to.

But I know things.
I know that no matter what,
My girls will know their way through me.

They will know
Because I knew before them.
I knew my kids were changers.

My girls will lead.
At least I hope they see that enough in themselves to do so.
Because they can.

That will broaden and elevate their own voices and thoughts.
I hope I encourage them to speak.
To ensure their voices aren't lost or neglected.

They will be so much better than me.
I was silent for so long.
But I'm not now.

They need to know who I am.
What I stand for.
And why I scream.

It. Is. ALL. For. Them.

That's what the universe was telling me.
I was too young to understand
Until I had children.

Until I had daughters...

Our rights should always be protected.
Our bodies should always be ours.
Our voices should always be heard.

And if you listen closely, they have always spoken clearly.
You just have to be "man" enough to not only hear them,
But respect them.

After all, we run with wolves.

Today

Today

I'm sad but I can't quite say why

The world is sad and I can give you a thousand reason for its tears. 

Water still flows smoothly over obstacles and flowers bloom through concrete.

Hearts still fall in love after being broken a hundred times.

I'm aware of things I choose to ignore.

There is a constant internal argument in my head that is neverending. 

It deflates me.

I need focus but there is a circus in my mind. 

Acts in every ring.

I don't want to look. 

I want to swim underwater, be weightless and quiet. 

But the weight on my shoulders is so heavy. 

I don't want to drown. 

The noise in my mind both reminds me that I am alive and keeps me from living.

The sun warms my face and the wind blows through my fingers. 

Why can't I feel them? 

Why can't I feel anything?

And that's just today...

Nothing - Something that is Nonexistent

A spark, random, embering
Ignited an entire night sky
For years there was only light
It was spectacular, might, unyielding.
And it was light, ethereal, and melodious.

It was something.

If you reached to touch it
Both the breeze and flame would coil around your fingers
And settle into your mind
It affected you
Something came to rest inside, quietly and completely

Ah, but time, it has a way of extinguishing a flame
It’s slowness calms the breeze
It turns softness into concrete
And the ember no longer burns
Only ashes remain

As they disappear into the surrounding,
Something becomes nonexistent.

Nothing.

My Heart ❤️

“I will read long books and the journals of dead writers. I will feel closer to them than I ever felt to people I used to know before I withdrew from the world. It will be sweet and cool this friendship of mine with dead poets, for I won’t have to touch them or answer their questions. They will talk to me and not expect me to answer. And I’ll get sleepy listening to their voices explain the mysteries to me. I’ll fall asleep with the book still in my fingers, and it will rain.”

Talk to Me Like the Rain and Let Me Listen, Tennessee Williams