Darkness and Light

The world is wonder and light,

Though with its share of dark.

We see what we want to see.

I'm trying, no struggling to focus

On all that is lovely.

That dark though, it's a heavy weight.

I carry it like a sinker on a line.

How I pray that I notice the sun.

And all of the beauty it enlightens.

Every day.

And even in the night,

I pray the moon helps me remember 

That there is constant light,

that I am not drowning and

I can always surface 

and breathe in life 

whenever I need it...

A Good Place

Sometimes in life you find yourself in a place where you feel torn.
A place that you want yet you shouldn't...according to others who know best.
They say paths should always go one way and you shouldn't stray should you find trouble.
I have never followed that path. Even as a child; shown a trusted path in shared faith I questioned.
How could one way be the right way when so many others took a different path?
How could one ideal blanket all the others as correct?
And now? How can two people so different be made to say we should remain as we were 20 years prior?
People change. Faiths change. Beliefs change.
All of this is okay.
We should never apologize for changing nor should we apologize for who we are.
We are brought into life and we bring life into the world.
Never should we state how those we love or others should believe/feel/live.
Ever. Let them find their way.
Your God has made this possible right?

Life gets hard as do relationships. Some survive, others do not.
We make things work or we don't.
We accept others or we don't.
Choosing to change others rather than change our own thoughts.
Acceptance is how life becomes difficult.
Choosing to blame others for what you are guilty of rather than looking in the mirror is how things fail.

I have things that I don't feel like I can or should share, though I desperately want to.
Who would understand?
Who feels what you feel?
How could they?
Yet you have one who does.
Hang on to that person with all of your might.
They keep you on Earth and make you feel heard.
Whether a lover or a friend - hang on.

I found that if you reach for those who have been there and known you the best; they will reach back. With open arms They will hear you and accept you.
After all, isn't that the VERY thing you've always wanted?
To be heard and accepted?
That is what love is right? Accepted?

That is a good place isn't it?
To be heard, accepted, and loved?
Even if that means it is you alone?
That is where your good place begins isn't it?

What should

I have read and heard an exorbitant amount of stories regarding abuse of animals, children, and the elderly. It fertilizes the soil of dislike I have for humankind. For those who could, will, have, and continue to harm innocent life assures me we are headed into our own degeneracy. It saddens me that the loss of solicitude and kindness is ever-growing.

Our light should shine on every living thing. Experiences, loss, betrayal, hardship, pain - those are not things to be blanketed onto others just because we have been exercised in their lots.

The innocent are just as they should be. True to us, true themselves, and true to our world.

I can't explain the how deeply the pain descends upon every awareness of every single infliction of pain on what should be a gifted lightness and love.

Where I Am

I have done a good bit of thinking. So much so, that I’ve stopped going to the gym, gained weight, lost motivation, binged on a shitload of TV, and gathered a fair amount of bitterness. I don’t like it. In fact, it fucking pisses me off.
I am angry at myself and I get angry sometimes just looking at someone else. I don’t like being angry nor do I like the darkness that has grown inside. I. get. on. my. own. nerves. I can’t do anything but giggle and cry at that.
There are excuses for everything and I am an excellent user. The things I strategize in my head...”I will do this in this way, make this happen like this, work through this by meeting small goals, etc”. The simple fact is, shit doesn’t get done.
I ask myself often: Who are you? What do you want? What makes you happy? Where is your passion? See, I am good at a lot of things. I can write, cook, make jewelry, create things, mother, work; BUT I am not at all excellent at one thing.
Most people have their “thing”. They’ve known their thing since they were 3 years old. Chefs have known since toddlerhood that cooking exhilarates them. Musicians began playing at 18 months and never stopped. Scientists were studying things at 2, developing new inventions, curing bad things, discovering unknown species, or understanding with ease a once unsolved mystery. What about those people who completely turn their lives around because of a seemingly menial moment? The ones who overcame their emotional despair due to one comment from another (awful) human. I envy these people. I feel like my life has been mediocre and untapped. Did I miss my moment? The one where I was supposed to find why I was put on this Earth? I’m 44, time is kind of running out. I don’t want to look back and see mediocre. I don’t want to see an overweight, unhealthy, slightly sad, so-so kind of woman. I want to see something remarkable. It was a word used in an obit I read. This man was the father of one of our patients who lived to be 103, very well lived and loved by all.
The thing is, there has been something inside of me that has always felt a little different, wilder, freer, bound for something more. She is in there. I just don’t know quite how to switch skins. The skin I wear now was developed from fears, sadness, judgment, doubt, anger, and worrying about what others thought of me. I’m tired of this skin, so very tired. I want that gypsy skin. The face that shines on life, opens her arms to all, walks lightly through each day, and touches others by simply being.
It is so easy to say “I’m going to let go of my doubt, throw out the baggage, live my life this way”. It is much, much harder to actualize. I have a doctor, a counselor, a psychiatrist, a gym membership, and a pretty quick mind. WTF is so hard? I’ve gone for so long worrying about other’s thoughts of me that I’ve lost myself in their feelings. I wear their skin...not mine.
This brings me back to where I am.
Right now is the only moment I have. I won’t ever have this right now again. So, because I am good at keeping a task list at work and marking things off, I am composing a task list for my life.
1. Be - unabashedly me. If that means I cuss like a sailor because it makes me feel good, write things that may offend people, do things that I am judged for, laugh at things that aren’t appropriate, remain silent when someone wants me to say what they want, or say the exact thing that I want when others want me to be silent. I am not the kind of person to hurt or offend on purpose, rather I want to be me and whether you accept me is up to you. I know in my heart I am a good person. I know your skin no longer fits me and I would hope that you like me better in my own. If not, I’ve given up caring.
2. Speak up - if you put me in a bad light just so it doesn’t get shown on you, I will shut that shit off. Mind you, I won’t be angry nor will I bear resentment. You just won’t get to make me your shadow. If you feel the need to make me the bad guy just because you won’t look in the mirror, I will wave goodbye and not look back. I won’t beg nor will I change just for you. I will simply walk a new less worn path. If you look at me through someone else’s descriptions, I will notice. I won’t try to change your mind nor will I want to. If you look at the world and others that way, I don’t really want you in mine. No anger, no judgment, no resentment. Just not needed.
3. Learn - if I feel like I am mediocre in something that makes me happy, I vow to learn more so I can become better. If I feel a change is due, I will make the effort to learn so the transition is successful. Even if that means I have to leave behind so I can find what I need.
4. Feel - I will not apologize for who I am or how I am. Understand, I have no malintent (my word) towards humankind. I am emotional and sensitive. I cry when I’m angry, sad, happy, worried, etc. It. Is. Who. I. Am. It doesn’t make me irrational or incapable. In fact, I dare say it makes me much more perceptive and understanding. To me, this is a better characteristic than using nothing more than muscle to move up some ridiculous life ladder that was created out of greed and conceit.
5. Work - I will take care of me. I’ve come to learn the only way to care for anyone or anything else is to be well yourself. My body is my own. It is meant to move, dance out in the open, swim in open water, run with my children, hike through mountains, walk down side streets, be pushed a little further. The work I put into making myself healthy will flow into the work I do for others.
6. Relax - I will not be too hurried, too distracted, or too impatient not to notice the little things. Life is, after all, made of the little things. Those are what you will remember when you look back. They are what holds all of the meaning. I don’t want to miss them. I will if I keep running though life holding on to other’s ideals and loading my shoulders with the weight of their skin. As Ayn Rand says: “If you saw Atlas, the giant who holds the world on his shoulders, if you saw that he stood, blood running down his chest, his knees buckling, his arms trembling but still trying to hold the world aloft with the last of his strength, and the greater his effort the heavier the world bore down upon his shoulders - What would you tell him?" I…don't know. What…could he do? What would you tell him?" To shrug.”

I’m shrugging.

If Only I Could

Mist Mother   Anders Krisar

As a mother with anxiety and depression, I cannot help but feel guilt as I watch my daughter go through the hurt and fight the same battle. I wrote this for her: 

The stars in your eyes have always been bright, the blue shows through to your soul
That soul that is endless, thoughtful, and vast, yet delicate and fragile as truth. The years you’ve walked with me along our path have deepened both love and regard
Your spirit, it wanders both in and out of our world. It sees and knows what’s intangible to us.
You are open and lovely and complicated and Touched. You're a light that illuminates and leaves small embers on everyone you touch

Within that soul though, there lies a darkness so wretched and strong. It can consume
your light and leave only bones. Your spirit fades and you cry
Its leaves are so brown, so black, and so heavy. They weigh you down, those seraphic blue eyes fade
The small annoyances others see, to you are monsters, malevolent with their force
You tremble and shrink into any place that feels removed. Away from it, away from me
I weep with sadness and anger, I want to take it away. If only I could.

That monster is mine and I shared it with you. The genetic darkness I could never control
My fears, the weight, the sadness, and hurt. I had no control and I am so sorry
Guilt steals my sleep, worry bleeds the moments and overtakes what lightness we have
I would consume all of yours so your soul can smile and your light continuously glow
I would lessen the force, I would fight the battle for you. You wouldn’t need to tremble
You wouldn’t need to hide. If only I could.

She won't every be alone in her battle. I will fight my way through hell to make sure she knows that.

One

Our beliefs and decisions are our own. Acceptance and respect should be the only thing we emanate.

Every single morning as the sun rises on new day we are given a chance to open our eyes to new things, take another step forward, learn from each other, find beauty in every moment, to love one another, to work together, to make our splendid and extraordinary world a better place.

Our hands, hearts, and minds should come together to change what isn't working and find ways to shine our light so that it becomes an magnificent warmth covering the entire world. 

There is not one of us alike, but we are all the same.
We can only do this together.
As one.

Life

Life is fleeting, is it not?

Each moment is a step closer to death. The profoundness of that statement haunts me.

There is a book I am reading where they young lady uses a daily mantra to remind herself to be present. She says “I am getting older. My body is decomposing. I am closer to the end”. She also happens to be suffering from leukemia.

Our minds carry tremendous power over us. Oftentimes a mind can create any sort of torment or illness built solely on what it is fed. If a daily mantra of this sort, however present it may make us feel, imparted on our bodies the nearness to death would the body then find a more efficient way to greet death? Similarly, if we fear death daily would that bring death ever closer? Are either of those actual living?

Life is heartbreaking.

Have you ever held the hand of someone you love dearly as they die? I have. 

I watched my mom’s soul rise leaving only a shell behind. Our bodies, as amazing and wonderful as they are, quite simply are hollow vessels that house our spirits.

Death changes you. It changes everything.

The life prior to the death of someone you love ceases and a different one begins.

When my mom died, my circle was broken. My heart was broken, shattered like old glass.

It was empty, I was hollow.

I think about my granny, she is gone and her home will no longer be the place we go home to; that constant no longer exists. Clothes hanging on the line, cedar Christmas trees, her sweetness so gently upon us; none of that will ever be again. The place where my roots were planted will all be dug up and gone.

It makes me sad.

Life is beautiful.
* Looking at sunlight as it streams through the window onto the rug, tiny dust particles floating in the air like fairies in a forest.
* Having my child look up at me with eyes that give me a glimpse all the way through to their souls, their innocence, it takes my breath.
* Walking through a mountain forest on a crisp morning, smelling the laurel and pine, listening to the rustling of some small creature, and a soft breeze breathing a winding path through the leaves.
* Sitting around a fire with people who mean the world to me as love and friendship floats around us like the smoke.
* The youngness I feel whenever I am with my sister – we won’t ever grow old.
* Standing at the ocean with the waves moving sand beneath my feet reflecting on how infinitesimal we are in the universe yet feeling the very wonder of nature as it moves around me.
* Watching the goodness of people in this world and how it overtakes any part of the unkind or hate.
So much beauty...

      
Life is a story.

We are telling our story with each breath and each minute we are here; creating a novel with well-worn pages of who we are. Some lines highlighted while others are too difficult to read; yet we do. Words are written with love, anger, shame, fear, wonder, and tears. Each page filled with notes, edit marks, eraser dust, stains, and illustrations of every single moment of our existence.

I want my book to be beautiful.

When you read it, I want you to understand my every emotion, feel the weight of my tears, and allow the lightness of my smile to linger upon you like a butterfly.