When Is It Okay To Be Me?

If you ask me how many lives I've lived I couldn't exactly tell you. There are so many.
I've lived the childhood of great adventure.
And the one of immense hurt.
I have been a teenager and done all of those teenage things.
Yet I grew up rather quickly. Maybe I was always older...
My early twenties presented me with death and love.
Both brought their own lessons.
I learned that I could feel more deeply and believe what my heart lead to
I also learned that I could lose what I loved the most in the world
And to not take things for granted.
My thirties brought children and true love was discovered.
Nothing ever rocked my world stronger than the two little girls God put me in charge of...
Yet nothing could ever have prepared me for the heartache it takes to mother those two.
I love them. I dislike them. I am not sure I am doing things right. Yet I know I will not stop being their mom. That is my purpose in life.
Now into my forties I wonder - my kids are turning out okay. They have issues and please school me on any who do not. I have issues and I work them out with several outlets of help because...motheringisfuckinghard.
I have also discovered that I just might want a change of life. You know, the kind that makes you, well you.
I am a nomad. I like quiet. I want silence.I want to be the substance in my girls lives. I want to teach them to be strong, smart, independent, motivated, confident, and self-reliant.
Now - in order to do that I must be that. Isn't it time to finally be me?
The me that I have wanted for so long yet put off.
For what?
Why?
I won't make excuses or reason. I will simply say, I have worked far too hard to make my family into what it is right now. I won't quit being strong for them.
I just wonder, when is it okay to be me?

If Only I Could

Mist Mother   Anders Krisar

As a mother with anxiety and depression, I cannot help but feel guilt as I watch my daughter go through the hurt and fight the same battle. I wrote this for her: 

The stars in your eyes have always been bright, the blue shows through to your soul
That soul that is endless, thoughtful, and vast, yet delicate and fragile as truth. The years you’ve walked with me along our path have deepened both love and regard
Your spirit, it wanders both in and out of our world. It sees and knows what’s intangible to us.
You are open and lovely and complicated and Touched. You're a light that illuminates and leaves small embers on everyone you touch

Within that soul though, there lies a darkness so wretched and strong. It can consume
your light and leave only bones. Your spirit fades and you cry
Its leaves are so brown, so black, and so heavy. They weigh you down, those seraphic blue eyes fade
The small annoyances others see, to you are monsters, malevolent with their force
You tremble and shrink into any place that feels removed. Away from it, away from me
I weep with sadness and anger, I want to take it away. If only I could.

That monster is mine and I shared it with you. The genetic darkness I could never control
My fears, the weight, the sadness, and hurt. I had no control and I am so sorry
Guilt steals my sleep, worry bleeds the moments and overtakes what lightness we have
I would consume all of yours so your soul can smile and your light continuously glow
I would lessen the force, I would fight the battle for you. You wouldn’t need to tremble
You wouldn’t need to hide. If only I could.

She won't every be alone in her battle. I will fight my way through hell to make sure she knows that.