I Know

I know.

We all have dreams.
Ones that we wish, ones that we imagine, ones that we truly dream.
Do you ever want to share them?
Do you ever want to share what your subconscious reveals?
I do, yet I am unsure of what you will think or say.
You see, I hear things others don't just by watching your movements.
Just by feeling your emotions.
Because I can.
I was born more sensitive than most. I can hear your thoughts.
I feel what you may not want me to know.
I question what you tell me is truth.
Your emotions are loud. And I hear them.

Some people understand words, math, composition, codes, etc.
I understand those deep things that you feel like you need to hide.
Those things sing melodies in my brain and equate to language all my own.

So say what you will.
I need to hear it.
I need to hear your melody.
I want to find your song.
Because I can.
I was given that gift.
I have full comprehension and acceptance of what I am meant to be.

After all, it is all for you.
That is my predestination.
Call it divine decree or misfortune.
But I see you though you do not show.
I hear you, though you do not say.

Don't worry. I won't judge.
How could I?
I have both the benediction and misfortune.
But I see in my cards, I am mindful.
I honor your thoughts.
I make them my own so I can walk in your shoes.
So I can feel what you feel.
I need to.
It is how I work.
My mindfulness is my good fortune.
I think...

A Merry Go Round

A Merry Go Round

Boys are so different.
They ask too many questions yet never the right ones.
I find myself resenting your lack of understanding.
But I understand your lack of knowledge.
I can't ask you to get me.
I can't ask you to know.
I can't even ask you to really hear my words.
It it only what YOU want to hear.
We like the same things.
It's why we fell in love.
You made my heart race then jump right into your soul.
I have never left.
I am happy here but I wish you could still see and hear me.
I wish I could still be the girl that you loved.
The one who went to concerts with my hair crazy because you liked it when it dried by itself.
The one you kissed, just behind my ear, because you thought it was the very thing to do.
It was.
It still is.
Where is that girl whose hand you took everywhere we went?
When did my words lose their volume?
How did I get to a place where you choose not to see me?
I try to open you up but you close me off.
You don't know that girl anymore.
You don't want to.
You see a different person.
She is not me.
She is not me...

Practicing Life

Practicing Life

Each day I find myself in a sort of haze; a routine of movement.

A stagnancy that at times drags me down with its weight.


The trees seem as gray as the streets and the light in the sky is harsh.

Conversation is being spoken but I hear very little. I have retreated.


There is a hole inside of me, a deep dark abyss that I fight daily.


The gravity of life pulls and I am weakened from the adiposity.


The soft breeze turns to dust and I want to run away.

Mourning is not an option, I yearn to find the light.

Each day brings distractions that cannot be ignored.


A question, an assignment, an anxious child, one that thought she was big enough...they all take presedence over my choice.


My life.


I talk, I fuss, they ask, they presume, they say things.


I allow them to make me feel less than.


I am the one who decides.

Yet I let them.

Why am I so afraid of taking on my own life?

I honestly just want to be me.


All me.


The good the bad, the serious the funny, the writer with crazy dreams and thoughts, the girl who has so many parts, so much depth, so open to what is around her. So sensitive to every emotion and vulnerability.


The one who has within her all of the things I need and a lot of what others need.

I know that but I'm afraid to show it.

I don't want anyone to think I am boastful.


I just want to be the girl I was supposed to be.

Me.


Still, the one I want everyone to like.


But what if they don't?

What if they laugh at me or question my motives?

What if I am not the person I expected to be?

What if...

That is why I practice life.

Rather than truly live it.

Life

Life.

It is amazing.
And awful.
And magnificent.
And unyielding.
And incredible.

Having a four year old in your life is nothing short of beautiful. "Mommy, I ate my vestibools (vegetables)!", Upon seeing a photo her sister drew of her, she replies very sternly and quizzically - "I don't have any wegs". Sister - "That's ok". Four-year-old (holding her leg in the air) - "They awyah wight heeyuh". Sister draws the full body - with wegs. "Mommy, I wuv you mo-wuh than Fwozen".
That sweet baby, yet a little bit girl, who makes my heart evaporate into lightness and sparkles. I love her.

It gets so troublesome sometimes, Dreadfully heavy. Don't get me wrong, my gratitude for every new morning my eyes can open to a sunrise, is quite immense. But, some days "life" can sink you. You feel like you've been buried by all of the weight it can bring: refugees fleeing incredible suffering, sickness and decline, personal pain - both physical and mental - that constantly seems to interweave thorns throughout my being, guilt and disfavor that have managed to barnacle themselves on what should be a confident human, and weariness, whose definition need not be defined, for it is inherently felt. Life is most certainly a very arduous path.

That marvelous moment you find exactly what you need. Right this second - in something that could have very easily been overlooked had you not permitted wakefulness. I treasure these moments. I only hope that I allow that open-eyed mindfulness to remain alert. Otherwise, I cease to live in this world.

My four year old's school lost their tortoise mascot this week. Djembe roamed their playground, allowed moments of gentle play, and trumbled (my own word) right through those very children to explore at will. He drowned after escaping their playground. When we started this new school last month, he was the most exciting thing in her/our world. Lynora didn't even seem to mind going to a brand new place with brand new people because Djembe was there. He became a meaningful part of her world before she ever knew him. Every day we grew to love him more. I have known that (sort-of little) sweet, bumbly thing for only a month, but he made a very big impact on our lives and we will miss him so so much.

The bounce back: this is when your children forgive you after a bad-parenting-moment, seemingly unfazed or damaged. As a parent and a coriaceous creature of this world, understanding this extraordinary bounce back is both inexplicable and invaluably precious. The fact that they do it on a regular basis makes you feel that life is the cat's pajamas and all is right with the world.

Y'all, I can't say that I am okay at all times, nor can I say that I am not. What I can admit is that I rather like life. I am here for a reason and I am meant to be exactly where I am at this moment. I will try to forgive my shortcomings, yet I will never apologize for who I am. I will remember that, though I may be nothing but a passing thought to most, I am an entire chapter to others. Things get difficult. We all ride the hills and valleys and it is fucking hard. We can't control the struggle, but we can certainly control our reaction. Given the divine sanction that is life, we are free to assess the value we put upon it. Let's make it high.

The summation of our entire lives comes down to one word.

Love.
It makes ALL things work.

Window

We are going to take a visceral journey tonight.

There is a place in all of us; beyond conscious everyday thought. We find it when we are quiet and can listen to the internal conversation of our heart. The voice is smothered each day with errands, distractions, calendars, dinner, work, feeding the dog, laundry, meeting a friend, crying children, worries, guilt, and so on. 
There are many things that I work on. Most I am doing with passable acceptance, others I thought were on a forward path. As it turns out, I was wrong.
The window I was using to see life through was muddled by what I thought was the dust and sadness from what was missing or wrong in my life. It was difficult to focus and terribly straining to examine. One night, on the many where my sleep is encroached upon by the wide owl eyes of worriment and contemplation, it occurred to me to try and wipe the window panes. All I could manage was one little area but oh, the difference it made! An image became so clear and distinct that it was a bit startling.
That image was my own face.

 We all have windows.

As children, they were big open windows with ethereal sheers blowing from the garden breeze.
As adults, we have dust, dirt, sadness, anger, resentment...haze, but it is there because we put it there.
You see, I listened to that soft voice telling me I could wipe it off. That voice whispered to me softly saying I could make things better. It said I was worth making that first move - because it was mine to make. Even if it is just a small little speck. There is peace in that.
You know what happened when I started to wipe things away? I let go. It is a beautiful feeling to truly let go.
That sadness I thought was caused by someone else not giving me what I needed? The anger I felt because something wasn't going my way? The resentment of life because it is fucked up and unfair sometimes? That is weight I carried on my shoulders, or more importantly on my heart.
On that night, my tears filled with old built-up regret and hurt cleaned that spot. I let them stream down my face into the pillow. Out of me. Out of my soul.
That lightness of life I am supposed to have and crave with every fiber of my being, it is there. I can't quite see yet, but I know it is there. I'll keep loosening the grime and look forward to the sunshine finding its way back in.

That window is still open, I just need to tidy up a bit.

Ears Are Invisible

 

 

 

When someone is speaking to you, do you really listen?

Are your ears invisible because you are unfocused and/or conjuring up your own response or experience?

 

 

 Ralph Nichols said

"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. They best way to understand people is to listen to them".

 

 I need to talk about ears right now. Being heard is vital. It validates feelings whether the other person agrees with them or not, it lends value making that person feel they are important enough to listen to, it creates connection that so many of us long for every day, and it can heal pain, resentment, loneliness, and fear. So why do we fail at really listening?

We fail because we have become self-absorbed. We fail because human relationships have become impersonal. We fail because more than not, things matter more than people. What a complete shame. When you think about it, where does the bulk of your joy ascend from - things or people? Exactly.

Empathy is relevant anymore. I am guilty. I, so many times, find myself thinking of my response, thinking of something else entirely, wondering the intent of one's words, or judging. I should really be consciously hearing, feeling, seeing, and understanding their thoughts and words.

I make a serious effort to do that as much as humanly possible. I don't succeed every time but I try.

On the other end, because I am the "ears" for so many people, I feel a need to put their feelings and needs above my own. I want so badly to make people happy. I am truly interested in what they have to say  and how they come about their ideas. I am also grateful that I am the person that others feel comfortable and trusting enough to share their inner most thoughts with.

Very grateful.

 

 

  

 I have one question though...where are my ears?

They are invisible.

When I need someone to HEAR me or understand me, I feel like there aren't ears that want to listen. That I am irrelevant, that their thoughts and needs are far more important and extensive than my own .Every one has a story. It is true. Why aren't there enough ears to listen?

 

Listening isn't just opening your ears. It is opening your heart,  opening you mind, and quite possibly changing someone's life forever.

 

Simply by making your ears visible.

  

 

LISTEN.

 

YOU JUST MIGHT MAKE SOMEONE FEEL...

 

VISIBLE.

Thoughts

It's been a little while y'all. What a bunch has happened. Not only do we now have a new life to care for, we have developing girl issues with the big kid. Sometimes it strikes me as funny how life wanders it's paths. Many times you think you will be led toward one direction only  to find yourself traveling the opposite way.
That's good. Life doesn't ever work the way you think it should. It simply works the way it...well, should.. We see new things, learn different paths, and adapt to what we need to.
The important things in my life: family (always first), friends, smiling, listening, encouraging, improving, working, earning, caring, loving. After all, aren't those the things that make up life?
I may not be able to record all that I wish I could. Lynora may look back and say "Hey Lady, where is my life documented?" I will simply have to respond that it is within our thoughts and memories.  Mom always told me that life starts moving faster the older you get. I just want all those I love to know that my life is happy because they are in it and whether I leave sooner or later, they made it worth living. Especially those three people who are my whole entire world...Chris, Sophie, and Lynora. It would be nothing without you.