Oh the ways...

Photo: A Time to Mourn by Sarah Osborne




Oh the Ways by Me

Dave Matthews just came out with a song called "Funny The Way It Is". I really like the song and words. Until the last few days have those words become particularly relevant.
Mourning doesn't involve simply a death.
It involves the loss of so many more things.
We mourn, we get angry, we learn to cope, then we live again.
Mourning becomes a circle of life within the circle of life.

What do we mourn?
We mourn the loss of a loved one - human or animal.
We mourn the loss of love.
The loss of health.
The loss of youth.
The loss of lust.
The loss of...

You miscarry a baby you have wanted for a very long time,
you long for one that has not yet been given life,
you lose the love you that was there but really wasn't,
you are not offered the life you thought you should have.
You lose a pet that has been with you for 16 years,
You lose a idol that has become part of your entire life - unaware.
You break a vase that has been in your family for years,
you "kill" a plant that was part of your mothers.


Along with the mourning, we also get angry. We cry, we curse,
we fill our souls with all of the why's that come along.
We fill our hearts with an ache that seems as if it will never depart.
An ache that completely sucks your life out of you.
Sleep can be significant therapy.
Care for yourself becomes unnecessary.
Patience becomes slim if not obsolete.
Your eyes ache from the pain that flows from your heart and then becomes a lack of tears.
Your stomach turns at a simple thought.
Why?
Why?
Why?

I can only believe that we are given hardships to make us stronger.
Although we may feel like life must be at an end, we begin to realize that
we are actually at a beginning.
A beginning of something new, something stronger, something easier,
something more important than that loss made itself into.
I have to keep that light into view no matter how dim.
I have to know that things will always work out.
They always do.
I have to know that the ones who matter are there
and the ones who don't care don't matter.

I have to believe that I have people around me that love me.
I have to believe that love is real and trust it.
I have to remember that one mistake and many abuses does not equal
an inability to trust myself or trust others.
I have to remember that God made me exactly the way He wants me to be - not to be what someone else thinks I should be.
But who I am - simply.
I have to believe that I am able to love and be loved in return.
That should never change.
Mourning turns to a new way of thinking.
-Or not.
You have to be the decider.
You have to determine if you can accept loss and move forward -
Forward onto to something new.
Something new.
Something.

Nothing is death.
Something is life.

I will always choose life.
I will make sure that those who depend on me will choose life as well.
Even if that will cost me everything.
That is what love and life is...
Everything.

Sshhhhhhh...

“So if we love someone, we should train in being able to listen.
By listening with calm and understanding,
we can ease the suffering of another person.”
- Thich Nhat Hanh

I have always been the one pegged to hear other peoples thoughts, fears, and troubles. It isn't something that I ask for...it just is that way.

I attribute that inclination to my ability to listen.
I listen because I am truly interested in and care about what is being said.

Granted, I may give my opinion afterward, sometimes too quickly and without being asked but my intention is not to judge but help ease suffering.
I sincerely do want to hear how people think and feel.
Not only do I connect to them in an intimate way but I also absorb other feelings and directions to use as my own. I am unsure if that makes me more accessible or less.

I listen to everything I can.

Think about nature and all of her glorious voices singing all around us.
A cricket chirping, thunder rolling, rain falling, sounds that lead us to such repose. Such repose that could not be replicated any other way. I remember sitting on Mamaw's porch watching the storms coming over the mountain.
Feeling the electricity, hearing the thunder, and seeing such powerful displays of God's orchestra.
It was part of my life that my family wanted me to experience and
I did.
There is nothing that will ever replace that and I shall pass it on to my family.

My trouble with conviviality is that I too have my own thoughts and opinions and I feel separated from others as a result. I construe that to a lack of self -confidence which I work hard to control as I do not want to pass that mannerism to my daughter. Even as a listener and a go-to person, I do tend to feel as if I do not fit in with any person or group completely. There are a few people - I could count on one hand - that I am truly comfortable with. Does that make me a true listener or does that make me a cast-away?
Use me when you need me?
Or is that only my perception?

As for my daughter...if there were ever a person to listen to, it would certainly be her. Not only do kids say the darnedest things, but they also speak with truth, innocence, and imagination. How could you not listen?
Sophie told us a few weeks ago that when she was still in Heaven, God told her she would have a Mommy and Daddy named Chris and Rachelle. She said, at first, she did not want to go, but God said it would be OK. Thus we have our insanely beautiful and immensely brilliant (we all think that huh?) daughter.
She was sent to us to save us.
And we needed to be saved.
Saved us she has.

Listening to your heart is an intrinsically important part of life.
If I had not listened to mine,
I would not have what is now outstandingly important to me.

When I was young, I used to wish on stars and I believed in fairy tales.
Those things do come true if listen close enough to make them recognizable.
Listening is the cornerstone of life.

You learn, you love, you want, you need,
you should always
LISTEN.

I doubt your path will ever venture in the wrong direction when lead by what your ears tell your heart and your mind.
Follow that path.
LISTEN...

In With The Good

I read recently that a study shows that happiness really is contagious. I'm not really sure why they needed to do a study to prove that. It gets proven everyday. When you around someone happy, you naturally pick up on that. On the other side, when you around someone who is angry or bitter, you are brought down.

I prefer the former. I have tried to weed out most of the acquaintances I had who were too hard to be around. People who have no other reason to greet the day than to wrap their judgement around others, walk over your flowers, or pour out their glass until it is half empty. I have met too many of those people and let them rain on my parade but I just can't do it anymore. I still have a few I would prefer to limit my time with and I am ok with that.

What I can't abide by is introducing my daughter to suggestive attitudes of that sort. I am by no means Mrs. Happy-go-lucky all of the time. I get angry, I get fussy, I get grumpy. The difference is I can teach my daughter those emotions and I can show her how to deal with them.

I do not expect perfection - perfection is unattainable and will only hasten bitterness if it is the goal you desire. I only wish to be completely comfortable around my friends and receive the respect and warmth I feel myself and my family deserves. That is the affection I want my friends to feel when they are with us as well.

As for the happiness part, I am happy. I want everyone I love to be happy. I want that more than anything else.

I try to share my happiness with everyone I am around and if I make just one person smile or feel love then I have succeeded.

Since happiness is so contagious - especially since it is Christmas and with everything that is going on in the world - let's pass the love.

Live well and be happy!

It is in your hands...

In life, in love, and in beauty - there could not be a more exceptional representation of beauty and frailty than a peony.

As such, there could not be a more exceptional representation of beauty and frailty as a child. And oooh how much we can learn from a child.

Children are brilliant, beautiful, so full of love, and so far from our lost and "de-inspired" selves.

Innocence can be so splendid yet so heart-wrenching.

Let me just string a line of just a few things I have run into that have not only made my heart soar but broken it into pieces.

- Sophie waking up and immediately telling me her dream was of a pig walking around on pillows and lays down. If only life were so glorious...
- Sophie telling me she doesn't want to wear a dress to school that is red striped because she is afraid one of her friends might call her a candy cane. I made her wear the dress anyway telling her that God made us all different for a reason and we are gifted to choose what we like. If someone had told me that a long time ago, maybe some of these stupid insecurities wouldn't plague me now...
- Sophie drawing pictures of herself and us with smiles on our faces and colors all around. If we are responsible for her seeing life in that way then we have already succeeded.
- Sophie worrying whether there will be a fire tonight and "I don't know how to get out of my window", or can a mean man get into our house if he has keys, or I know why your Mommy is in heaven - she got sick. Honestly, I just cannot tell you how I handle these questions other than be truthful without bringing too much "grown up reality" into my explanations. I can tell you it breaks me into pieces when she asks me. Truly one of the most excrutiating pains in life is not only loving your child so incredibly deeple but feeling their pain and worries.
- Sophie lying in my lap and smiling up to me saying she loves me "Way, way, more than you know!"
- Chris hugging me telling me that he loves me no matter what and that we "are in this thing together"
- "Mommy, it is ok if God doesn't send us a baby brother or sister. " I have told her that it is up to God if he sends us a baby and if he doesn't it is perfectly ok because we have her and she is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to us. She knows I love her - "Way, way more than you know" but it still hurts my heart. It hurts because not only do I know it is ok but that she feels that way too.

These things bring me around to deep thoughts. Not so much along the lines of Jack Handy, but maybe just a little bit deeper... :)

Anything could happen at any time.

Choose the life you want.
Choose what makes you happy.
Choose what makes your heart feel.
Choose what inspires you.
Choose what you wish your child to be.
The only person responsible for making these things happen is you.
Don't ever forget just how powerful and lovely you are.


I am choosing to be right now.
I am choosing to show my daughter that life is glorious and how extraordinarily blessed we are to be living each day - together.
I choose to love my husband for exactly who he is because he makes my heart whole.
I choose not to worry about whether I will die young of cancer just because it claimed my mother's life too soon.
I choose to teach my daughter - and myself - how to love yourself.
I choose to love my husband the very way he deserves to be loved - even though there are times he aggravates me or irritates me. He is the person I fell in love with and I will never NOT love him.
I choose to show my daughter what trust and love are really about. She will always be able to use Chris and I as an example of that trust and love because we want it more than life. We so much want to teach her how very important it is.
I choose to make our life work because there isn't anything else in the world I want more.
I choose my friends (yeah this is old but true) not because of who they are but who I am when I am with them. A girl needs not only a best friend but a handful of fabulous friends. Friends who make you just as happy and secure as you do them.

Life is delicate, life is beauty, life is a choice.

Choices can either be easy or hard. They can make you happy or sad. They can build you up or tear you down. They can inspire you or depress you. They can invite love or invite hate. They can instill self confidence or break your spirit. So many things depend on your choice. God gave us the gift of decision. Making the right one isn't always easy but if you choose wisely, it can make all the difference in your world as well as everyone else who happens to step into or be fated into your life.

Choices are yours to make if you are open to your heart, your life, your spirit, and your trust in what you know is just especially the thing for you.

A peony - same as a child - opens itself to full glory. It does just as God intended them to do.
Do the same: trust, grow, love, enjoy, appreciate, and experience life.

Open up, let your heart break into pieces, then each time, feel it build itself up into exactly what you need it to be.

My Take

There has been a lot of soul searching going on within me lately. There has been a change at work that directly affects me, a shift at home that affects my whole family, an enlightenment within me that has made me into a - wait - hold on - confident person, wife, and mother.

I have FINALLY come to the actual moment in my life when I don't feel the need to equalize myself with anyone else, be another person in front of someone, or be anyone other than me.

I used to be afraid someone would think my house was not up to snuff - it isn't but it is my home, I love it, and who really cares??? - my last name isn't "Jones" (that is such a laugh - what a ridiculous game), my mothering skills weren't to Dr. Spock's standards (my daughter is a warm, loving - loved, beautiful (inside/outside), and sensationally entertaining lady - how could I have messed up that badly???

There are so many times when I second guess myself, my life, my parenting, my "spousing" (is that even a word?), my professional skills, my self image. I want it t stop. I want freedom from stupid, sensationalized, and utterly ridiculous ideals of who and what we all should be.

Why should I accept what someone else tells me I, my lifestyle, my daughter, my marriage, or my soul, should be?

I worry all the time, I analyze things too deeply, I am so hard on myself and my family - but aside from all of that - I am absolutely, simply, and truly happy.

Not only do I have the most wonderful and loving family, I have the most amazing and true friends. Please tell me is there anything aside from those two things - plus good food and wine - that a girl could ask for???????????

Nope.
Those who know who they are - I love you more than life...

The Art Of Life

How many times have you stepped back from you life and really looked at it? Is it really that bad? Do you really have that much to complain about? Is there really as much bad as everyone says there is?

I don't think so. There is too much good that we are missing by all of the complaining, groaning, fussing, and overlooking we do everyday. I find myself stopping my life and looking around. I see so many wonderful things I didn't see before. The cloud shapes and movements, dew drops on a leaf, a rabbit in the yard, the completely wonderful sounds and sights of nature.


Art is everywhere. Sophie and I were talking the other day about rainbows and she so eloquently said "the whole world is a rainbow". If you look around, it really is.


People are colorful as well. Everyone paints their own rainbow that is reflected from oneself. You connect with people who create similar colors to yours and you shy away from ones whose colors conflict with yours.

What about the art of simple laughter? When was the last time you really guffawed?? I amtrying hard to laugh more. Sounds crazy when you have to say you are trying hard to laugh but sometimes you have to make an effort to find humor. It would be reommended for everyone to do so. You remember how light you feel when you laugh. Like Charlie and his Grandpa on Willy Wonka in the bubble room. Find something that amuses you and then find something else. Keep looking for those little things that make you bubble.

As for love...well that is my most favored form of art. There is nothing like allowing yourself to be loved. Of course, loving someone truly is terribly emotional but the art of allowing love into your own heart, truly and deeply, is like no other feeling in the world. You find out what trust means, you understand hope, you realize life's meaning and you start to live. Paint that picture then tell me what you see...

Ok, so I finished the book The Shack and it turned out to be one of those wonderful things in life that you happen upon that changes something in you. You realize that you are ok and the way you think is ok and your spirit is ok. You also find out that there are things that aren't ok. You learn about judgement and power and the very definitions of those words and you realize that they are certainly not on the path to a happy and fulfilled life.

My goal is to love everyone including myself. It is so easy to dismiss or criticize but all it is doing is hurting. Both you and the other person. I am so guilty of judging and criticizing that I almost have trouble forgiving myself for it. Almost...

Trust - isn't that an easy one? No, not at all. How often in life do you actually open up the curtain of trust fully? Yea, me either. I did take a chance and open my heart to Chris and, oh, how I am glad I did. What a great feeling it is to trust. I never had a male role model to learn trust from. I had men in Mom's life and men in my life that totally sucked. They all seemed to be so bad. I wonder sometimes why it was so easy to trust Chris. I think it is because he has a heart so big that it seems tangible. Don't we tend to trust things that are touchable? Because they are solid? Well, that is how I feel about Chris. His love for me is solid and I trust him completely.

Forgiveness - There have been many things throughout my life that I have had to forgive. Not just people and what they have done but also that whole dysfunction thing that everyone seems to blame their problems on. Maybe you had a rotten childhood, or your parents drank all the time, or they fought all the time, or blamed you for things that happen in their life. Do you let those things make you who you are? Do you let those things eat away your life? Do you really think you have to be what someone else tells you or leads you to believe? I don't. You have to forgive all of that and be the person you want and need to be.

I made a choice a long time ago that I would do my best to be who I want to be and live the way I want to live. It has not been easy and sometimes it is really hard to stand by those convictions when you have people all around telling you no. It is easy to judge others when you have people around who judge others or people who judge you. I don't want to hear any criticism of me, particularly my family, or how we live. We are who we are. Shouldn't that be good enough?

That book opened up my mind to a whole other way of thinking when it comes to God and how I should perceive His want for me. For the longest time, after hearing how I would go to hell for my sins, I feared God. I feared how my life would end. I didn't want to be judged. How in the world did I find God in a book? Well, I have to admit that I really didn't want to read the book based on it's subject content. Without giving anything away, there is a terrible tragedy that turns into to an incredible journey. Not in the way you think but something entirely heart wrenching and healing. Healing and experiencing like I have never known. Ok, maybe you think I am heading down a religious freak road but, for me, I simply think I made a huge step to truly living my life the way I want to live it and I think God would be proud.

Do you remember the movie What Dreams May Come? That movie broke my heart in a way I didn't think it could be broken - it had already been broken so many other ways. But it also showed me a different heaven than I thought existed. I had limited myself to believe what I had learned from someone else. Someone else's interpretation of what religion should be. As it turns out, I am free to interpret my spirituality on my own. Imagine that??

I don't want to influence anyone who hasn't read the book. It is not a preaching book. Some parts are very hard to read but the end is well worth it. You have to read it slowly and I hope that you are able to take from it something that affects you personally and spiritually. Something that makes you comfortable with yourself and with God.

I did.