In With The Good

I read recently that a study shows that happiness really is contagious. I'm not really sure why they needed to do a study to prove that. It gets proven everyday. When you around someone happy, you naturally pick up on that. On the other side, when you around someone who is angry or bitter, you are brought down.

I prefer the former. I have tried to weed out most of the acquaintances I had who were too hard to be around. People who have no other reason to greet the day than to wrap their judgement around others, walk over your flowers, or pour out their glass until it is half empty. I have met too many of those people and let them rain on my parade but I just can't do it anymore. I still have a few I would prefer to limit my time with and I am ok with that.

What I can't abide by is introducing my daughter to suggestive attitudes of that sort. I am by no means Mrs. Happy-go-lucky all of the time. I get angry, I get fussy, I get grumpy. The difference is I can teach my daughter those emotions and I can show her how to deal with them.

I do not expect perfection - perfection is unattainable and will only hasten bitterness if it is the goal you desire. I only wish to be completely comfortable around my friends and receive the respect and warmth I feel myself and my family deserves. That is the affection I want my friends to feel when they are with us as well.

As for the happiness part, I am happy. I want everyone I love to be happy. I want that more than anything else.

I try to share my happiness with everyone I am around and if I make just one person smile or feel love then I have succeeded.

Since happiness is so contagious - especially since it is Christmas and with everything that is going on in the world - let's pass the love.

Live well and be happy!

It is in your hands...

In life, in love, and in beauty - there could not be a more exceptional representation of beauty and frailty than a peony.

As such, there could not be a more exceptional representation of beauty and frailty as a child. And oooh how much we can learn from a child.

Children are brilliant, beautiful, so full of love, and so far from our lost and "de-inspired" selves.

Innocence can be so splendid yet so heart-wrenching.

Let me just string a line of just a few things I have run into that have not only made my heart soar but broken it into pieces.

- Sophie waking up and immediately telling me her dream was of a pig walking around on pillows and lays down. If only life were so glorious...
- Sophie telling me she doesn't want to wear a dress to school that is red striped because she is afraid one of her friends might call her a candy cane. I made her wear the dress anyway telling her that God made us all different for a reason and we are gifted to choose what we like. If someone had told me that a long time ago, maybe some of these stupid insecurities wouldn't plague me now...
- Sophie drawing pictures of herself and us with smiles on our faces and colors all around. If we are responsible for her seeing life in that way then we have already succeeded.
- Sophie worrying whether there will be a fire tonight and "I don't know how to get out of my window", or can a mean man get into our house if he has keys, or I know why your Mommy is in heaven - she got sick. Honestly, I just cannot tell you how I handle these questions other than be truthful without bringing too much "grown up reality" into my explanations. I can tell you it breaks me into pieces when she asks me. Truly one of the most excrutiating pains in life is not only loving your child so incredibly deeple but feeling their pain and worries.
- Sophie lying in my lap and smiling up to me saying she loves me "Way, way, more than you know!"
- Chris hugging me telling me that he loves me no matter what and that we "are in this thing together"
- "Mommy, it is ok if God doesn't send us a baby brother or sister. " I have told her that it is up to God if he sends us a baby and if he doesn't it is perfectly ok because we have her and she is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to us. She knows I love her - "Way, way more than you know" but it still hurts my heart. It hurts because not only do I know it is ok but that she feels that way too.

These things bring me around to deep thoughts. Not so much along the lines of Jack Handy, but maybe just a little bit deeper... :)

Anything could happen at any time.

Choose the life you want.
Choose what makes you happy.
Choose what makes your heart feel.
Choose what inspires you.
Choose what you wish your child to be.
The only person responsible for making these things happen is you.
Don't ever forget just how powerful and lovely you are.


I am choosing to be right now.
I am choosing to show my daughter that life is glorious and how extraordinarily blessed we are to be living each day - together.
I choose to love my husband for exactly who he is because he makes my heart whole.
I choose not to worry about whether I will die young of cancer just because it claimed my mother's life too soon.
I choose to teach my daughter - and myself - how to love yourself.
I choose to love my husband the very way he deserves to be loved - even though there are times he aggravates me or irritates me. He is the person I fell in love with and I will never NOT love him.
I choose to show my daughter what trust and love are really about. She will always be able to use Chris and I as an example of that trust and love because we want it more than life. We so much want to teach her how very important it is.
I choose to make our life work because there isn't anything else in the world I want more.
I choose my friends (yeah this is old but true) not because of who they are but who I am when I am with them. A girl needs not only a best friend but a handful of fabulous friends. Friends who make you just as happy and secure as you do them.

Life is delicate, life is beauty, life is a choice.

Choices can either be easy or hard. They can make you happy or sad. They can build you up or tear you down. They can inspire you or depress you. They can invite love or invite hate. They can instill self confidence or break your spirit. So many things depend on your choice. God gave us the gift of decision. Making the right one isn't always easy but if you choose wisely, it can make all the difference in your world as well as everyone else who happens to step into or be fated into your life.

Choices are yours to make if you are open to your heart, your life, your spirit, and your trust in what you know is just especially the thing for you.

A peony - same as a child - opens itself to full glory. It does just as God intended them to do.
Do the same: trust, grow, love, enjoy, appreciate, and experience life.

Open up, let your heart break into pieces, then each time, feel it build itself up into exactly what you need it to be.

My Take

There has been a lot of soul searching going on within me lately. There has been a change at work that directly affects me, a shift at home that affects my whole family, an enlightenment within me that has made me into a - wait - hold on - confident person, wife, and mother.

I have FINALLY come to the actual moment in my life when I don't feel the need to equalize myself with anyone else, be another person in front of someone, or be anyone other than me.

I used to be afraid someone would think my house was not up to snuff - it isn't but it is my home, I love it, and who really cares??? - my last name isn't "Jones" (that is such a laugh - what a ridiculous game), my mothering skills weren't to Dr. Spock's standards (my daughter is a warm, loving - loved, beautiful (inside/outside), and sensationally entertaining lady - how could I have messed up that badly???

There are so many times when I second guess myself, my life, my parenting, my "spousing" (is that even a word?), my professional skills, my self image. I want it t stop. I want freedom from stupid, sensationalized, and utterly ridiculous ideals of who and what we all should be.

Why should I accept what someone else tells me I, my lifestyle, my daughter, my marriage, or my soul, should be?

I worry all the time, I analyze things too deeply, I am so hard on myself and my family - but aside from all of that - I am absolutely, simply, and truly happy.

Not only do I have the most wonderful and loving family, I have the most amazing and true friends. Please tell me is there anything aside from those two things - plus good food and wine - that a girl could ask for???????????

Nope.
Those who know who they are - I love you more than life...

The Art Of Life

How many times have you stepped back from you life and really looked at it? Is it really that bad? Do you really have that much to complain about? Is there really as much bad as everyone says there is?

I don't think so. There is too much good that we are missing by all of the complaining, groaning, fussing, and overlooking we do everyday. I find myself stopping my life and looking around. I see so many wonderful things I didn't see before. The cloud shapes and movements, dew drops on a leaf, a rabbit in the yard, the completely wonderful sounds and sights of nature.


Art is everywhere. Sophie and I were talking the other day about rainbows and she so eloquently said "the whole world is a rainbow". If you look around, it really is.


People are colorful as well. Everyone paints their own rainbow that is reflected from oneself. You connect with people who create similar colors to yours and you shy away from ones whose colors conflict with yours.

What about the art of simple laughter? When was the last time you really guffawed?? I amtrying hard to laugh more. Sounds crazy when you have to say you are trying hard to laugh but sometimes you have to make an effort to find humor. It would be reommended for everyone to do so. You remember how light you feel when you laugh. Like Charlie and his Grandpa on Willy Wonka in the bubble room. Find something that amuses you and then find something else. Keep looking for those little things that make you bubble.

As for love...well that is my most favored form of art. There is nothing like allowing yourself to be loved. Of course, loving someone truly is terribly emotional but the art of allowing love into your own heart, truly and deeply, is like no other feeling in the world. You find out what trust means, you understand hope, you realize life's meaning and you start to live. Paint that picture then tell me what you see...

Ok, so I finished the book The Shack and it turned out to be one of those wonderful things in life that you happen upon that changes something in you. You realize that you are ok and the way you think is ok and your spirit is ok. You also find out that there are things that aren't ok. You learn about judgement and power and the very definitions of those words and you realize that they are certainly not on the path to a happy and fulfilled life.

My goal is to love everyone including myself. It is so easy to dismiss or criticize but all it is doing is hurting. Both you and the other person. I am so guilty of judging and criticizing that I almost have trouble forgiving myself for it. Almost...

Trust - isn't that an easy one? No, not at all. How often in life do you actually open up the curtain of trust fully? Yea, me either. I did take a chance and open my heart to Chris and, oh, how I am glad I did. What a great feeling it is to trust. I never had a male role model to learn trust from. I had men in Mom's life and men in my life that totally sucked. They all seemed to be so bad. I wonder sometimes why it was so easy to trust Chris. I think it is because he has a heart so big that it seems tangible. Don't we tend to trust things that are touchable? Because they are solid? Well, that is how I feel about Chris. His love for me is solid and I trust him completely.

Forgiveness - There have been many things throughout my life that I have had to forgive. Not just people and what they have done but also that whole dysfunction thing that everyone seems to blame their problems on. Maybe you had a rotten childhood, or your parents drank all the time, or they fought all the time, or blamed you for things that happen in their life. Do you let those things make you who you are? Do you let those things eat away your life? Do you really think you have to be what someone else tells you or leads you to believe? I don't. You have to forgive all of that and be the person you want and need to be.

I made a choice a long time ago that I would do my best to be who I want to be and live the way I want to live. It has not been easy and sometimes it is really hard to stand by those convictions when you have people all around telling you no. It is easy to judge others when you have people around who judge others or people who judge you. I don't want to hear any criticism of me, particularly my family, or how we live. We are who we are. Shouldn't that be good enough?

That book opened up my mind to a whole other way of thinking when it comes to God and how I should perceive His want for me. For the longest time, after hearing how I would go to hell for my sins, I feared God. I feared how my life would end. I didn't want to be judged. How in the world did I find God in a book? Well, I have to admit that I really didn't want to read the book based on it's subject content. Without giving anything away, there is a terrible tragedy that turns into to an incredible journey. Not in the way you think but something entirely heart wrenching and healing. Healing and experiencing like I have never known. Ok, maybe you think I am heading down a religious freak road but, for me, I simply think I made a huge step to truly living my life the way I want to live it and I think God would be proud.

Do you remember the movie What Dreams May Come? That movie broke my heart in a way I didn't think it could be broken - it had already been broken so many other ways. But it also showed me a different heaven than I thought existed. I had limited myself to believe what I had learned from someone else. Someone else's interpretation of what religion should be. As it turns out, I am free to interpret my spirituality on my own. Imagine that??

I don't want to influence anyone who hasn't read the book. It is not a preaching book. Some parts are very hard to read but the end is well worth it. You have to read it slowly and I hope that you are able to take from it something that affects you personally and spiritually. Something that makes you comfortable with yourself and with God.

I did.

Why Not Magic?

So often in life we are forced out of our childhood wonderment of life and thrown into the grit and grime of "real" life. Why?

Why can't we still believe in magic? Santa is real isn't he? Fairies do exist don't they? I say yes. I say that the magic of life should always exist no matter what your date on the calendar of age.

Sophie often tell me she wishes she could fly - hence the photo above which just happens to be the wallpaper on my phone. Every time I open my phone I think of her and flying. Can't we imagine and just possibly believe in all varieties of magical ideas? I have always heard that if you tell yourself something enough times, you will eventually believe it. I choose to believe.

I wished on a star a long time ago not believing that my wish would actually come true. Shortly after that, I met Chris and with him - all of my dreams have come true. It goes without saying that, yes, I do believe in the fairy tale of wishing stars.

So why is it that when people make wishes, they don't believe them. Isn't that why sick kids get well? Isn't it because they simply don't believe that they won't? I believe in fate but I also believe in our ability to emit and draw in the very thing we need in life. Fate can surely sling some wallops into your life but I think that those wallops happen for a reason. What comes out of those wallops is up to you. Do you melt? Do you fold under? Do you become bitter? Not me, I have and will continue to try very hard to see the lessons in those hits and use them to my advantage. Knowledge is never ending. You should never stop learning, stop believing, stop wondering.

I read a lot as anyone who knows me is aware of. I love magic books. I have always wanted to be magic. I wanted to be a witch growing up -white of course. The thought of conjuring up spells or making things happen with the simple twitch of my nose or my magic wand has kept me enraptured for as long as I can remember. Give me Harry Potter, Wicked, Little, Big any day. I just love magic.

I think philosophy has a bit of magic to it. If someone is willing enough to think outside of a box and express it in words - well you have my attention. How wrong could we be to think differently? Isn't that magic? Opening your mind has to be some kind of spell. Everyone should do it but there are so few who actually do. What are you going to lose by it? I think people are afraid to open their minds because they are afraid they might actually find something that will make them think, or something that will make them believe something else. What is so wrong with that and why is there such a demand to be "normal" or for that matter conservative? I am a Southern girl raised up Southern Baptist but I have never exalted myself as anything other than a proud Southern Girl. I can do with any religious connotations. Sometimes religion drives me nuts. Aren't people who believe in God the same as people who believe in Wicca or Buddhism? Isn't all of that magic? Don't you have to believe to believe?

Can someone please explain to me how Harry Potter is a sin? We had a lady who lives in our neighborhood argue with Chris about Harry Potter and it's affect on children. Magic and anti-realism will only hurt children as they grow. REALLY? HOW?

How would you feel if you had to grow up without believing in Santa or the tooth fairy or unicorns? Wouldn't you be sad if you never had the opportunity? Were you ever a child? My answer to the ridiculous question of whether Harry Potter and all the fairy tale ideals and stories that are part of childhood are a sin - Absolutely Not!

Step off of your political and religious high horses and live your life the way God actually intended - live it freely and happily. Consigning yourself to misery and disbelief will only bring you misery and disbelief.

I was telling Chris the other night that when the clock hits my birthday or I find a penny on its head, etc. I always wish for a long, happy, healthy life. That includes Chris and Sophie. Chris said when he finds a "lucky" item he wishes for either my health or Sophie's or both. He is enormously sweet and thoughtful. I dare to wonder how many husbands do that?

Have you seen Polar Express? I am one of those people who refuse to let go of that bell. I will always hear it ring because to not hear it rings fills me with sadness. It broke my heart when he realized he couldn't hear the bell. Children help bring that magic back to you but even without children, I wish for all of my friends that fairy tale wonderment of magic and whimsy. Life isn't life without it.

These are just some of my thoughts - and rants - on magic, belief, and life. You don't have to agree but you don't have to disbelieve either do you???

Friendships

Ramblings About Friendships

Friendships are hard for me. I don't feel like I am very good at them. I care very much about my friends - the machinery of life just never slows and all of my energy goes to my family first. I am also a loner at heart. I enjoy being at home alone or with my family very much. So much so, that I find I have a hard time going out or to visit friends, I would rather them come to my house. Thankfully most have said they enjoy coming to my house because it feels like home, albeit a messy one. :) There isn't a better compliment on your most beloved space than that. I don't need attention, I dont need an acquaintance, I need unconditional love.

I also want to comment on being dumped on, bitched to, and unusual expecations.

I understand frustrations, like the way someone handled a particular situation or said something that you didn't like. I undersand that no one else is going to live or think the same way I do. I understand that I fall into that trap sometimes. What I don't understand is why some people feel it is ok to pass their judgements or frustrations onto me. Is there something about me that attracts that type of person? Why do I have to be the person someone expects me to be?

I am me. I am not going to be anyone else, nor should I be.

I have burned several bridges because I simply could not stand to fan a flame any longer. I just got tired of being the dumping ground, the dart board, or "Mrs. Jones".

I think friendships should be effortless. It should be easy to be be friends right? Too many things in life are hard, shouldn't friendships be easy?

True friends should always first see the good in any part of the other. You can later break down the bad if necessary but most of the time it isn't. True friends listen without judgement and either commiserate or lift up - whichever best suits the situation and they will know exactly when and which - every time. True friends should always be able to see through the mask of bravery you are wearing when your soul is aching.

A true friend is: the kind of person whom you know you can call up and say nothing but feel better just by hearing their voice, or the one who accepts all of you exactly who you are - lifestyle, choices, decisions, etc included. Or someone who will wait patiently while you cry over the telephone until you are able to tell them why and then say that right something that makes you feel better. That is my definition.

I certainly hope my true friends feel that way about me.

I will not apologize for me, my family, or my choices in life. If there is a person who comes into my life who expects me to do so, I will just have to watch them walk right back out. My quality of life is more important than trying to bend to someone else's ideals. In true friendship, there is no backbiting, no negative thoughts, no turning away.

I am very grateful to have been endowed with some very true and wonderful friends.

I will always be there for them and I know they will always be there for me.

You know who you are.