Voice - Throwback December 2017

 My heart belongs to words and I send questions into the universe hoping someone will pick up on my notions.

That person will understand my exact need and respond with love.

Simple words or discernment that mollifies the emotional comfort I do desperately desire.

To be often spoken over; it isn’t conducive to confident self-importance. It happens more than I care to admit.

The thing is - I know I’m important, worthy of this world, meant to be here for larger purposes.

So, though it hurts me when you overlook me, you may not understand just what you are overlooking.

We are all the same...human.

Our voices, our feelings, our emotions, and choices - they are worthy of open ears and hearts.

I just wish there were so many more of these.

Imagine the effect you could have on one person.

Imagine how the entire world would change.

Please listen.

And let others know they are heard.

It hurts too much to be overlooked and over-spoken.

Nonetheless, I wish everyone well. Always.

I will find my voice whether you want to hear it or not.

A Bloom

A plant starts out as a whole. If someone cares for it and tends to its needs, it will grow.

And I did, for a while.

But when someone starts to overlook it - forget to water it, leave it in a small pot, forget to care for it, the plant will start to whither. and sag.

And I did.

For so very long.

But someone came along that noticed.

And begun to care, to tend, to feed that whithered little plant.

It noticed the sunlight again. And it grew.

It understood its importance. And it grew.

It was given nutrients, attention, and love.

And it flowered.

As did I.

The funny thing?

That, someone, was me.

My flower has begun to bloom again. 

I Thought, But I Was Wrong

This past year has been especially reflective. 

So much, yet so little. 

So profound, yet so very simple. 

What a fucking hardship, yet incredible pause in the monotony of life's non-stop go-go-go. 

We've all lost something or someone in all of this. That is the saddest part, the hardest part. 

The fear, the heartbreak, the loss, the unknown. 

I've wanted to put my thoughts into words for so long. I will try, but know that a thousand sentences couldn't adequately explain what my soul feels on any single day. 

 

I've learned that people I thought I knew, I really didn't. And I judged. 

I've learned that decisions others made that I didn't agree with were incorrect. And I judged. 

I've learned that the way some think if far from the way I think. And I judged. 

I've learned that I have and may continue to lose friendships because of differences. Sadly. 

I've learned that I can't make everyone happy nor can I make everyone agree. And I judged...myself. 

I've learned that I can't make something work that is too far broken. And I resented that. 

I've learned that our children are considerably stronger, more independent, intelligent, and influential that we ever were. And I am so proud. 

I've learned to forgive myself more, even when that voice in my head keeps telling me what a shitty human I am. I'm tuning it out. 

I've learned that I can be happy, that I'm not stuck, that ruts are made to get out of, stronger than when you went in. I'm shoveling y'all. 

I've learned that I can depend on me more than anyone else and that is a very good thing. I am a enough. 

I've learned that I can do anything I choose, I just need to believe it and do it. I let another voice tell me I couldn't for too long. 

I've learned that people will choose belief over science, and there is nothing that will change that. But I tried. 

I've learned that people will choose themselves over the good of others. I can't help them. 

I've learned that people have closed minds and I can't open them. Who am I anyway?

I've learned that the world is too far broken for one person to fix, but you can't lose hope. Yet I did. 

I've learned that everything is so much bigger than we understand. And I stopped trying to figure it out. 

I've learned that turning inward, focusing on your own heart, is truly living. I haven't for so long. 

I've learned that hate is a viral poison far more harmful than any natural enemy. I refuse it. 

I've learned that acceptance and love - both for others and ourselves - are the very essence of what it means to live. I am living.

I've learned that some people believe violence and retaliation is an acceptable form of revolution. It isn't. 

I've learned that this country is so far divided and ill-lead that we may never come back together. I fear for our future. 

I've learned that judging others for their beliefs, decisions, and thoughts is unacceptable. We may not agree. But you do you, let me do me. And we should all keep the peace. 

I learned (again) that I have a voice, it is important, as am I. I was made to think differently for a very long time. But I can hear it again. 

Man, I could go on. 

It all boils down to judgment doesn't it? 

I am so guilty and will continue to be. But with every instance, every experience, every interaction, I learn to judge less and less. I make sure I try to find a lesson in every single one. 

And with every lesson, comes less judgment. 

Better understanding. 

Like I said, I thought. 

But I was wrong. 

 

Tiny Band-Aids

 They say that when you have a child, 

your heart will forever walk outside of your body. 

And it does. 

My heart has been broken so many times

that it has become numb to certain things and people.

But never to my child. 

My heart has lost its wonder and belief. 

But hers hasn't.

It has tiny little band-aids from little heartbreaks

yet it still emits wonder and enormous love. 

Until yesterday.

 Now among those tiny band-aids, there is a large one. 

One that shouldn't be there 

because a grown-up made a decision 

that broke a very big piece. 

Seeing that big heartbreak wounded my heart 

in a way that I'd never known. 

See, broken heart pieces are part of life.

But hers has just begun.

Life scatters broken heart pieces freely, 

yet I know she will heal.

As for me, having to watch it 

through my own heart as well as hers

 is something a thousand tiny band-aids 

will never be able to heal. 

Underwater

 

The world is wonder and light,

Though with its share of dark.

We see what we want to see.

I'm trying, no struggling, to focus

On all that is lovely.

That dark though, it's a heavy weight.

I carry it like a sinker on a line.

How I pray that I notice the sun.

And all of the beauty it enlightens.

Every day.

And even in the night,

I pray the moon helps me remember

That there is constant light,

that I am not drowning and

I can always surface

and breathe in life

whenever I need it...

Scratches

 

The child says “Mom, I feel like my heart is held together with bandaids. My feelings get hurt and there are scratches on my heart that still don’t have bandaids”.

The mom hugs the child tightly while the scratches on her own heart grow deeper.

-RA

Exhausted

I've been tired for so many years. The gouge of daily life seems to only deepen.
My body, a physical manifestation of pain.
My mind, misunderstood or too complicated for the masses.
It is both poison and wine.

The poison keeps dissipating any semblance of happiness, while the wine both encourages and conceals.
A roundabout that hasn't any exits.
A darkness that hasn't any light.
It just keeps weighting down like a sinker.

The tired fog envelopes like a tarnished cloud.
No amount of polishing could bring about the shine.
It sits there heavy, like solid silver.
Never worth its weight in gold.

You scream for help, plead for someone to feel what you feel.
In silence.
Because your real voice is never heard.
Everyone always hears what they want.

The knot in your chest ebbs and flows like the tide.
It is always there, but sometimes you can forget it and smile.
I wish it were opposite.
Where my smile is always there, but sometimes I feel the knot.

Being alone, but not wanting to be near.
Wanting to be wanted, yet unable to give anymore.
It is all so cumbersome. A strain on my very soul.
Outside the depiction is physical. Inside I'm...well,

Exhausted.