Thoughts

It's been a little while y'all. What a bunch has happened. Not only do we now have a new life to care for, we have developing girl issues with the big kid. Sometimes it strikes me as funny how life wanders it's paths. Many times you think you will be led toward one direction only  to find yourself traveling the opposite way.
That's good. Life doesn't ever work the way you think it should. It simply works the way it...well, should.. We see new things, learn different paths, and adapt to what we need to.
The important things in my life: family (always first), friends, smiling, listening, encouraging, improving, working, earning, caring, loving. After all, aren't those the things that make up life?
I may not be able to record all that I wish I could. Lynora may look back and say "Hey Lady, where is my life documented?" I will simply have to respond that it is within our thoughts and memories.  Mom always told me that life starts moving faster the older you get. I just want all those I love to know that my life is happy because they are in it and whether I leave sooner or later, they made it worth living. Especially those three people who are my whole entire world...Chris, Sophie, and Lynora. It would be nothing without you.

Gamby

Gamby, We love and miss you greatly. You raised a most wonderful son and he loved you so very dearly. Sophie said she will always think about you and will always love you. Myself - I think about how you have always accepted me into your, and your son's life, as an immediate part of the family. I will never forget that. I love you.
We love you. We always will.

Some of your favorite poems:

NICK AND THE CANDLESTICK


I am a miner. The light burns blue.
Waxy stalactites
Drip and thicken, tears

The earthen womb
Exudes from its dead boredom.
Black bat airs

Wrap me, raggy shawls,
Cold homicides.
They weld to me like plums.

Old cave of calcium
Icicles, old echoer.
Even the newts are white,

Those holy Joes.
And the fish, the fish—
Christ! They are panes of ice,

A vice of knives,
A piranha
Religion, drinking

Its first communion out of my live toes.
The candle
Gulps and recovers its small altitude,

Its yellows hearten.
O love, how did you get here?
O embryo

Remembering, even in sleep,
Your crossed position.
The blood blooms clean

In you, ruby.
The pain
You wake to is not yours.

Love, love,
I have hung our cave with roses.
With soft rugs—

The last of Victoriana.
Let the stars
Plummet to their dark address,

Let the mercuric
Atoms that cripple drip
Into the terrible well,

You are the one
Solid the spaces lean on, envious.
You are the baby in the barn.

—Sylvia Plath

The Moon And The Yew Tree

This is the light of the mind, cold and planetary
The trees of the mind are black. The light is blue.
The grasses unload their griefs on my feet as if I were God
Prickling my ankles and murmuring of their humility
Fumy, spiritous mists inhabit this place.
Separated from my house by a row of headstones.
I simply cannot see where there is to get to.

The moon is no door. It is a face in its own right,
White as a knuckle and terribly upset.
It drags the sea after it like a dark crime; it is quiet
With the O-gape of complete despair. I live here.
Twice on Sunday, the bells startle the sky --
Eight great tongues affirming the Resurrection
At the end, they soberly bong out their names.

The yew tree points up, it has a Gothic shape.
The eyes lift after it and find the moon.
The moon is my mother. She is not sweet like Mary.
Her blue garments unloose small bats and owls.
How I would like to believe in tenderness -
The face of the effigy, gentled by candles,
Bending, on me in particular, its mild eyes.

I have fallen a long way. Clouds are flowering
Blue and mystical over the face of the stars
Inside the church, the saints will all be blue,
Floating on their delicate feet over the cold pews,
Their hands and faces stiff with holiness.
The moon sees nothing of this. She is bald and wild.
And the message of the yew tree is blackness - blackness and silence.

-Sylvia Plath

ONE OF YOUR FAVORITE POEMS

If

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with wornout tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breath a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on";

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man my son!

-Rudyard Kipling

Oh the ways...

Photo: A Time to Mourn by Sarah Osborne




Oh the Ways by Me

Dave Matthews just came out with a song called "Funny The Way It Is". I really like the song and words. Until the last few days have those words become particularly relevant.
Mourning doesn't involve simply a death.
It involves the loss of so many more things.
We mourn, we get angry, we learn to cope, then we live again.
Mourning becomes a circle of life within the circle of life.

What do we mourn?
We mourn the loss of a loved one - human or animal.
We mourn the loss of love.
The loss of health.
The loss of youth.
The loss of lust.
The loss of...

You miscarry a baby you have wanted for a very long time,
you long for one that has not yet been given life,
you lose the love you that was there but really wasn't,
you are not offered the life you thought you should have.
You lose a pet that has been with you for 16 years,
You lose a idol that has become part of your entire life - unaware.
You break a vase that has been in your family for years,
you "kill" a plant that was part of your mothers.


Along with the mourning, we also get angry. We cry, we curse,
we fill our souls with all of the why's that come along.
We fill our hearts with an ache that seems as if it will never depart.
An ache that completely sucks your life out of you.
Sleep can be significant therapy.
Care for yourself becomes unnecessary.
Patience becomes slim if not obsolete.
Your eyes ache from the pain that flows from your heart and then becomes a lack of tears.
Your stomach turns at a simple thought.
Why?
Why?
Why?

I can only believe that we are given hardships to make us stronger.
Although we may feel like life must be at an end, we begin to realize that
we are actually at a beginning.
A beginning of something new, something stronger, something easier,
something more important than that loss made itself into.
I have to keep that light into view no matter how dim.
I have to know that things will always work out.
They always do.
I have to know that the ones who matter are there
and the ones who don't care don't matter.

I have to believe that I have people around me that love me.
I have to believe that love is real and trust it.
I have to remember that one mistake and many abuses does not equal
an inability to trust myself or trust others.
I have to remember that God made me exactly the way He wants me to be - not to be what someone else thinks I should be.
But who I am - simply.
I have to believe that I am able to love and be loved in return.
That should never change.
Mourning turns to a new way of thinking.
-Or not.
You have to be the decider.
You have to determine if you can accept loss and move forward -
Forward onto to something new.
Something new.
Something.

Nothing is death.
Something is life.

I will always choose life.
I will make sure that those who depend on me will choose life as well.
Even if that will cost me everything.
That is what love and life is...
Everything.

Sshhhhhhh...

“So if we love someone, we should train in being able to listen.
By listening with calm and understanding,
we can ease the suffering of another person.”
- Thich Nhat Hanh

I have always been the one pegged to hear other peoples thoughts, fears, and troubles. It isn't something that I ask for...it just is that way.

I attribute that inclination to my ability to listen.
I listen because I am truly interested in and care about what is being said.

Granted, I may give my opinion afterward, sometimes too quickly and without being asked but my intention is not to judge but help ease suffering.
I sincerely do want to hear how people think and feel.
Not only do I connect to them in an intimate way but I also absorb other feelings and directions to use as my own. I am unsure if that makes me more accessible or less.

I listen to everything I can.

Think about nature and all of her glorious voices singing all around us.
A cricket chirping, thunder rolling, rain falling, sounds that lead us to such repose. Such repose that could not be replicated any other way. I remember sitting on Mamaw's porch watching the storms coming over the mountain.
Feeling the electricity, hearing the thunder, and seeing such powerful displays of God's orchestra.
It was part of my life that my family wanted me to experience and
I did.
There is nothing that will ever replace that and I shall pass it on to my family.

My trouble with conviviality is that I too have my own thoughts and opinions and I feel separated from others as a result. I construe that to a lack of self -confidence which I work hard to control as I do not want to pass that mannerism to my daughter. Even as a listener and a go-to person, I do tend to feel as if I do not fit in with any person or group completely. There are a few people - I could count on one hand - that I am truly comfortable with. Does that make me a true listener or does that make me a cast-away?
Use me when you need me?
Or is that only my perception?

As for my daughter...if there were ever a person to listen to, it would certainly be her. Not only do kids say the darnedest things, but they also speak with truth, innocence, and imagination. How could you not listen?
Sophie told us a few weeks ago that when she was still in Heaven, God told her she would have a Mommy and Daddy named Chris and Rachelle. She said, at first, she did not want to go, but God said it would be OK. Thus we have our insanely beautiful and immensely brilliant (we all think that huh?) daughter.
She was sent to us to save us.
And we needed to be saved.
Saved us she has.

Listening to your heart is an intrinsically important part of life.
If I had not listened to mine,
I would not have what is now outstandingly important to me.

When I was young, I used to wish on stars and I believed in fairy tales.
Those things do come true if listen close enough to make them recognizable.
Listening is the cornerstone of life.

You learn, you love, you want, you need,
you should always
LISTEN.

I doubt your path will ever venture in the wrong direction when lead by what your ears tell your heart and your mind.
Follow that path.
LISTEN...

In With The Good

I read recently that a study shows that happiness really is contagious. I'm not really sure why they needed to do a study to prove that. It gets proven everyday. When you around someone happy, you naturally pick up on that. On the other side, when you around someone who is angry or bitter, you are brought down.

I prefer the former. I have tried to weed out most of the acquaintances I had who were too hard to be around. People who have no other reason to greet the day than to wrap their judgement around others, walk over your flowers, or pour out their glass until it is half empty. I have met too many of those people and let them rain on my parade but I just can't do it anymore. I still have a few I would prefer to limit my time with and I am ok with that.

What I can't abide by is introducing my daughter to suggestive attitudes of that sort. I am by no means Mrs. Happy-go-lucky all of the time. I get angry, I get fussy, I get grumpy. The difference is I can teach my daughter those emotions and I can show her how to deal with them.

I do not expect perfection - perfection is unattainable and will only hasten bitterness if it is the goal you desire. I only wish to be completely comfortable around my friends and receive the respect and warmth I feel myself and my family deserves. That is the affection I want my friends to feel when they are with us as well.

As for the happiness part, I am happy. I want everyone I love to be happy. I want that more than anything else.

I try to share my happiness with everyone I am around and if I make just one person smile or feel love then I have succeeded.

Since happiness is so contagious - especially since it is Christmas and with everything that is going on in the world - let's pass the love.

Live well and be happy!

It is in your hands...

In life, in love, and in beauty - there could not be a more exceptional representation of beauty and frailty than a peony.

As such, there could not be a more exceptional representation of beauty and frailty as a child. And oooh how much we can learn from a child.

Children are brilliant, beautiful, so full of love, and so far from our lost and "de-inspired" selves.

Innocence can be so splendid yet so heart-wrenching.

Let me just string a line of just a few things I have run into that have not only made my heart soar but broken it into pieces.

- Sophie waking up and immediately telling me her dream was of a pig walking around on pillows and lays down. If only life were so glorious...
- Sophie telling me she doesn't want to wear a dress to school that is red striped because she is afraid one of her friends might call her a candy cane. I made her wear the dress anyway telling her that God made us all different for a reason and we are gifted to choose what we like. If someone had told me that a long time ago, maybe some of these stupid insecurities wouldn't plague me now...
- Sophie drawing pictures of herself and us with smiles on our faces and colors all around. If we are responsible for her seeing life in that way then we have already succeeded.
- Sophie worrying whether there will be a fire tonight and "I don't know how to get out of my window", or can a mean man get into our house if he has keys, or I know why your Mommy is in heaven - she got sick. Honestly, I just cannot tell you how I handle these questions other than be truthful without bringing too much "grown up reality" into my explanations. I can tell you it breaks me into pieces when she asks me. Truly one of the most excrutiating pains in life is not only loving your child so incredibly deeple but feeling their pain and worries.
- Sophie lying in my lap and smiling up to me saying she loves me "Way, way, more than you know!"
- Chris hugging me telling me that he loves me no matter what and that we "are in this thing together"
- "Mommy, it is ok if God doesn't send us a baby brother or sister. " I have told her that it is up to God if he sends us a baby and if he doesn't it is perfectly ok because we have her and she is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to us. She knows I love her - "Way, way more than you know" but it still hurts my heart. It hurts because not only do I know it is ok but that she feels that way too.

These things bring me around to deep thoughts. Not so much along the lines of Jack Handy, but maybe just a little bit deeper... :)

Anything could happen at any time.

Choose the life you want.
Choose what makes you happy.
Choose what makes your heart feel.
Choose what inspires you.
Choose what you wish your child to be.
The only person responsible for making these things happen is you.
Don't ever forget just how powerful and lovely you are.


I am choosing to be right now.
I am choosing to show my daughter that life is glorious and how extraordinarily blessed we are to be living each day - together.
I choose to love my husband for exactly who he is because he makes my heart whole.
I choose not to worry about whether I will die young of cancer just because it claimed my mother's life too soon.
I choose to teach my daughter - and myself - how to love yourself.
I choose to love my husband the very way he deserves to be loved - even though there are times he aggravates me or irritates me. He is the person I fell in love with and I will never NOT love him.
I choose to show my daughter what trust and love are really about. She will always be able to use Chris and I as an example of that trust and love because we want it more than life. We so much want to teach her how very important it is.
I choose to make our life work because there isn't anything else in the world I want more.
I choose my friends (yeah this is old but true) not because of who they are but who I am when I am with them. A girl needs not only a best friend but a handful of fabulous friends. Friends who make you just as happy and secure as you do them.

Life is delicate, life is beauty, life is a choice.

Choices can either be easy or hard. They can make you happy or sad. They can build you up or tear you down. They can inspire you or depress you. They can invite love or invite hate. They can instill self confidence or break your spirit. So many things depend on your choice. God gave us the gift of decision. Making the right one isn't always easy but if you choose wisely, it can make all the difference in your world as well as everyone else who happens to step into or be fated into your life.

Choices are yours to make if you are open to your heart, your life, your spirit, and your trust in what you know is just especially the thing for you.

A peony - same as a child - opens itself to full glory. It does just as God intended them to do.
Do the same: trust, grow, love, enjoy, appreciate, and experience life.

Open up, let your heart break into pieces, then each time, feel it build itself up into exactly what you need it to be.

My Take

There has been a lot of soul searching going on within me lately. There has been a change at work that directly affects me, a shift at home that affects my whole family, an enlightenment within me that has made me into a - wait - hold on - confident person, wife, and mother.

I have FINALLY come to the actual moment in my life when I don't feel the need to equalize myself with anyone else, be another person in front of someone, or be anyone other than me.

I used to be afraid someone would think my house was not up to snuff - it isn't but it is my home, I love it, and who really cares??? - my last name isn't "Jones" (that is such a laugh - what a ridiculous game), my mothering skills weren't to Dr. Spock's standards (my daughter is a warm, loving - loved, beautiful (inside/outside), and sensationally entertaining lady - how could I have messed up that badly???

There are so many times when I second guess myself, my life, my parenting, my "spousing" (is that even a word?), my professional skills, my self image. I want it t stop. I want freedom from stupid, sensationalized, and utterly ridiculous ideals of who and what we all should be.

Why should I accept what someone else tells me I, my lifestyle, my daughter, my marriage, or my soul, should be?

I worry all the time, I analyze things too deeply, I am so hard on myself and my family - but aside from all of that - I am absolutely, simply, and truly happy.

Not only do I have the most wonderful and loving family, I have the most amazing and true friends. Please tell me is there anything aside from those two things - plus good food and wine - that a girl could ask for???????????

Nope.
Those who know who they are - I love you more than life...