I Thought, But I Was Wrong

This past year has been especially reflective. 

So much, yet so little. 

So profound, yet so very simple. 

What a fucking hardship, yet incredible pause in the monotony of life's non-stop go-go-go. 

We've all lost something or someone in all of this. That is the saddest part, the hardest part. 

The fear, the heartbreak, the loss, the unknown. 

I've wanted to put my thoughts into words for so long. I will try, but know that a thousand sentences couldn't adequately explain what my soul feels on any single day. 

 

I've learned that people I thought I knew, I really didn't. And I judged. 

I've learned that decisions others made that I didn't agree with were incorrect. And I judged. 

I've learned that the way some think if far from the way I think. And I judged. 

I've learned that I have and may continue to lose friendships because of differences. Sadly. 

I've learned that I can't make everyone happy nor can I make everyone agree. And I judged...myself. 

I've learned that I can't make something work that is too far broken. And I resented that. 

I've learned that our children are considerably stronger, more independent, intelligent, and influential that we ever were. And I am so proud. 

I've learned to forgive myself more, even when that voice in my head keeps telling me what a shitty human I am. I'm tuning it out. 

I've learned that I can be happy, that I'm not stuck, that ruts are made to get out of, stronger than when you went in. I'm shoveling y'all. 

I've learned that I can depend on me more than anyone else and that is a very good thing. I am a enough. 

I've learned that I can do anything I choose, I just need to believe it and do it. I let another voice tell me I couldn't for too long. 

I've learned that people will choose belief over science, and there is nothing that will change that. But I tried. 

I've learned that people will choose themselves over the good of others. I can't help them. 

I've learned that people have closed minds and I can't open them. Who am I anyway?

I've learned that the world is too far broken for one person to fix, but you can't lose hope. Yet I did. 

I've learned that everything is so much bigger than we understand. And I stopped trying to figure it out. 

I've learned that turning inward, focusing on your own heart, is truly living. I haven't for so long. 

I've learned that hate is a viral poison far more harmful than any natural enemy. I refuse it. 

I've learned that acceptance and love - both for others and ourselves - are the very essence of what it means to live. I am living.

I've learned that some people believe violence and retaliation is an acceptable form of revolution. It isn't. 

I've learned that this country is so far divided and ill-lead that we may never come back together. I fear for our future. 

I've learned that judging others for their beliefs, decisions, and thoughts is unacceptable. We may not agree. But you do you, let me do me. And we should all keep the peace. 

I learned (again) that I have a voice, it is important, as am I. I was made to think differently for a very long time. But I can hear it again. 

Man, I could go on. 

It all boils down to judgment doesn't it? 

I am so guilty and will continue to be. But with every instance, every experience, every interaction, I learn to judge less and less. I make sure I try to find a lesson in every single one. 

And with every lesson, comes less judgment. 

Better understanding. 

Like I said, I thought. 

But I was wrong.