We are going to take a visceral journey tonight.
There is a place in all of us; beyond conscious everyday thought. We find it when we are quiet and can listen to the internal conversation of our heart. The voice is smothered each day with errands, distractions, calendars, dinner, work, feeding the dog, laundry, meeting a friend, crying children, worries, guilt, and so on.
There are many things that I work on. Most I am doing with passable acceptance, others I thought were on a forward path. As it turns out, I was wrong.
The window I was using to see life through was muddled by what I thought was the dust and sadness from what was missing or wrong in my life. It was difficult to focus and terribly straining to examine. One night, on the many where my sleep is encroached upon by the wide owl eyes of worriment and contemplation, it occurred to me to try and wipe the window panes. All I could manage was one little area but oh, the difference it made! An image became so clear and distinct that it was a bit startling.
That image was my own face.
We all have windows.
As children, they were big open windows with ethereal sheers blowing from the garden breeze.
As adults, we have dust, dirt, sadness, anger, resentment...haze, but it is there because we put it there.
You see, I listened to that soft voice telling me I could wipe it off. That voice whispered to me softly saying I could make things better. It said I was worth making that first move - because it was mine to make. Even if it is just a small little speck. There is peace in that.
You know what happened when I started to wipe things away? I let go. It is a beautiful feeling to truly let go.
That sadness I thought was caused by someone else not giving me what I needed? The anger I felt because something wasn't going my way? The resentment of life because it is fucked up and unfair sometimes? That is weight I carried on my shoulders, or more importantly on my heart.
On that night, my tears filled with old built-up regret and hurt cleaned that spot. I let them stream down my face into the pillow. Out of me. Out of my soul.
That lightness of life I am supposed to have and crave with every fiber of my being, it is there. I can't quite see yet, but I know it is there. I'll keep loosening the grime and look forward to the sunshine finding its way back in.
That window is still open, I just need to tidy up a bit.
