Thursday, October 9, 2008

In life, in love, and in beauty - there could not be a more exceptional representation of beauty and frailty than a peony.

As such, there could not be a more exceptional representation of beauty and frailty as a child. And oooh how much we can learn from a child.

Children are brilliant, beautiful, so full of love, and so far from our lost and "de-inspired" selves.

Innocence can be so splendid yet so heart-wrenching.

Let me just string a line of just a few things I have run into that have not only made my heart soar but broken it into pieces.

- Sophie waking up and immediately telling me her dream was of a pig walking around on pillows and lays down. If only life were so glorious...
- Sophie telling me she doesn't want to wear a dress to school that is red striped because she is afraid one of her friends might call her a candy cane. I made her wear the dress anyway telling her that God made us all different for a reason and we are gifted to choose what we like. If someone had told me that a long time ago, maybe some of these stupid insecurities wouldn't plague me now...
- Sophie drawing pictures of herself and us with smiles on our faces and colors all around. If we are responsible for her seeing life in that way then we have already succeeded.
- Sophie worrying whether there will be a fire tonight and "I don't know how to get out of my window", or can a mean man get into our house if he has keys, or I know why your Mommy is in heaven - she got sick. Honestly, I just cannot tell you how I handle these questions other than be truthful without bringing too much "grown up reality" into my explanations. I can tell you it breaks me into pieces when she asks me. Truly one of the most excrutiating pains in life is not only loving your child so incredibly deeple but feeling their pain and worries.
- Sophie lying in my lap and smiling up to me saying she loves me "Way, way, more than you know!"
- Chris hugging me telling me that he loves me no matter what and that we "are in this thing together"
- "Mommy, it is ok if God doesn't send us a baby brother or sister. " I have told her that it is up to God if he sends us a baby and if he doesn't it is perfectly ok because we have her and she is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to us. She knows I love her - "Way, way more than you know" but it still hurts my heart. It hurts because not only do I know it is ok but that she feels that way too.

These things bring me around to deep thoughts. Not so much along the lines of Jack Handy, but maybe just a little bit deeper... :)

Anything could happen at any time.

Choose the life you want.
Choose what makes you happy.
Choose what makes your heart feel.
Choose what inspires you.
Choose what you wish your child to be.
The only person responsible for making these things happen is you.
Don't ever forget just how powerful and lovely you are.


I am choosing to be right now.
I am choosing to show my daughter that life is glorious and how extraordinarily blessed we are to be living each day - together.
I choose to love my husband for exactly who he is because he makes my heart whole.
I choose not to worry about whether I will die young of cancer just because it claimed my mother's life too soon.
I choose to teach my daughter - and myself - how to love yourself.
I choose to love my husband the very way he deserves to be loved - even though there are times he aggravates me or irritates me. He is the person I fell in love with and I will never NOT love him.
I choose to show my daughter what trust and love are really about. She will always be able to use Chris and I as an example of that trust and love because we want it more than life. We so much want to teach her how very important it is.
I choose to make our life work because there isn't anything else in the world I want more.
I choose my friends (yeah this is old but true) not because of who they are but who I am when I am with them. A girl needs not only a best friend but a handful of fabulous friends. Friends who make you just as happy and secure as you do them.

Life is delicate, life is beauty, life is a choice.

Choices can either be easy or hard. They can make you happy or sad. They can build you up or tear you down. They can inspire you or depress you. They can invite love or invite hate. They can instill self confidence or break your spirit. So many things depend on your choice. God gave us the gift of decision. Making the right one isn't always easy but if you choose wisely, it can make all the difference in your world as well as everyone else who happens to step into or be fated into your life.

Choices are yours to make if you are open to your heart, your life, your spirit, and your trust in what you know is just especially the thing for you.

A peony - same as a child - opens itself to full glory. It does just as God intended them to do.
Do the same: trust, grow, love, enjoy, appreciate, and experience life.

Open up, let your heart break into pieces, then each time, feel it build itself up into exactly what you need it to be.

Somewhere Inside

  • I keep all of Sophie's drawings.
  • The cleaning bug doesn't usually bite me but when it does it is usually all out. I go overboard.
  • I love things that touch my heart.
  • I love a good heart wrenching book or movie.
  • I believe in fairy tales.
  • I wish I could let go of all of my insecurities and live completely free.
  • I feel like I get on people's nerves.
  • I want to be noticed but I don't like attention.
  • I have trouble sleeping - too many thoughts and fears.
  • Music makes my soul feel free.
  • I can be terribly stubborn.
  • I can be judgemental
  • Mountains make me happy.
  • I secretly wish I could afford to focus my energy on some type of art and my family, not a "job".
  • I often feel out of place or irrelevant.
  • I enjoy detail specific activities.
  • Sophie can make me the happiest person in the world and break my heart so completely - all in the same instant.
  • Chris can do the same thing.
  • I can read a day away.
  • Friendships are hard for me.
  • Philosophy intrigues me.
  • I love Willie Wonka.
  • I fear early death.
  • I wish my mother could be here.